I'm weird. You're not.

It's too much for me.

2011-06-05T02:39:00.002+08:00

Loneliness is too much for me. Even if there are a million people around me, I still feel lonely and that hurts. Every time I see my friends smile with each other, it hurts. Not because I'm hurting to see them happy, it's just that, I can't possibly smile that SINCERE and true with them. I'm sorry.

I've been a terrible friend. I ignored them, isolated them, become angry at them, suppressing my feelings of them from them... I'm nothing but just a terrible friend. Never good. Never great. How in God's name do they still can tolerate with someone like me is still a wonder for me, but I just wish they would just come clean and tell me that they honestly dislike me for what I am, for I am never liked for what I am. Never. Who would actually accept me as I am? Who? No one, I tell you. Just simply no one.

Who am I to kid anyway? I can't be a psychiatrist or anything of such field. People are right. I'm useless. Worthless.

All these feelings I feel are overwhelming. It's too much for me. Too much. I don't like to spend another day crying because of self-pitying, but that's just how it is. Why do I pity myself when I see myself as a disgrace? My existence is completely not needed at all. All I ever caused is harm, sorrow, disappointment and anger.

Why am I even typing this all out in this stupid old blog? I guess this blog is one of the evidence of me being lonely and small.

Have you ever felt small, even around people who are smaller than you? Not small as in size, but small. You feel like as if you're not qualified to be in that room with them, you're not a part of society. A part of anything with anyone. You feel so small that you feel like every single time they walk, they are actually trampling you and you're left there to suffer in pain, silently and alone. They see you, but they only glare and walk away. The pain you feel physically is not as painful as the pain you feel in your heart and soul. When you get back up, they trample on you again, and you lay there hopelessly and finally give up. By the time you got back home, all you do is sit under your covers and cry, and vow to never go out again. That's how I feel when I'm with people, even with my friends. Even if they make me smile, I will always end up crying again when I'm alone.

I shouldn't be typing all this, but I have nowhere else to vent out my sadness. Life's a mess, and I'm all alone in this. Alone to suffer this unbearable pain.

I'm sorry everyone. I'm so very very sorry.

What hurts the most...

2011-06-04T20:37:00.002+08:00

Yeah yeah yeah. Whatever.

It's the holidays, and I'm cherishing every single minute of it. I don't want to use this holiday to a waste (though I already wasted half of it by playing games). :/
What hurts the most now is that I find it hard to let go of all my anger and disappointment towards lots of things. Especially when I found all my old cards, given by my friends. Why did I hurt them? Or did I hurt them? Why did we all changed?

It hurts a lot to remember every single thing that we used to do. How I am able to talk about everything with them. But... I guess, what was done cannot be undone. I really miss my old classmates, although some of them used to hurt me very much. But that's how friendship is, right? No pain, no gain. I can't help but to feel so angry towards myself for being so stupid and reckless and well, plain stupid. At the same time, I'm disappointed that everything just changed too much.

Is it normal for a teen to feel this kind of sadness? Is it normal to feel thing angry and sad about something that happened 3 years ago? Is it normal to feel guilty about everything now, because of what had happened then? Is it just normal? Am I normal?

Lots of 'If only' circumstances images are playing in my mind, and it makes me cry. And I cry a lot. I'm not even sure whether I'm actually TRYING to move on or not. I'm not even sure about anything anymore.

Guess that's just life... :(

Pssh posh, to hell with my emotions.
For now, I will study (try to, that is) my very best to become just like Cikgu Malek and Cikgu Mariam. To help students, teens, adolescents, and whosoever it is, sincerely and wholeheartedly. Amin.

It's quite interesting and sad.

2011-05-31T00:10:00.003+08:00

It's an interesting fact that I can score some of my exams if I really tried. And it's very interesting to know and understand that I can live life may it be alone. But it's a sad fact that when being alone, I feel so frightfully depressed and sensitive.

Every single day, as a teenager, we fight battles with our own emotions and feelings, and believe me, it can be a rough fight. It can be a massive war with ourselves too. That's just life, and that I really know of. One truth of it all is that, some teens are different than the others. That, too, is life itself. But my point here is, some teens are not the normal average teen.

I don't know whether people understand my point here, but that's just it. People DO NOT understand and they WILL lie and leave. They make promises, but those promises are just lies. Lies. Lies. Lies.

In my life, happiness is quite rare, and hard to find, but I try my very best to achieve complete happiness rather than to weep. I do admit that I cry more than I laugh, but that doesn't mean I'm ... well, I really don't want to finish that sentence of, but you get my point. To me, my happiness can't be achieved if I can't make others happy.

That's just the thing that upsets me now. No matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I try to fit in, I just can't. I just can't make people happy. I find myself to be pathetic and worthless. A simple task of making people happy, I just can't do it. Why can't I?

What I feel now is a feeling which I felt when I was 14 but more than that. It's a feeling where I can only see darkness rather than light. Trying to foresee the future, but all you see is darkness and nothingness. Nothing. Zilch. Nada. But that's just me. I don't even know what you call this 'feeling' here. Is it coming back? I really hope what I used to suffer will not come back, cause it is really horrid to feel that way. It's very painful to suffer that 'thing'. :/

Why am I typing it all out? Cause I feel so right down to the bottom of the hole down. That's why.

Really wish you're here right now. I really miss you....

And I support this.

If you don't know what it is, go search 'Orange ribbon awareness' on Google, and you'll find out. And no, this is not the Child Cancer awareness, but I do support that too. Just go search.

Toodles.

...

2011-04-29T21:18:00.001+08:00

I don't want to trust. That's all. It's too painful to trust. PAINFUL.

Lemme scream the tense away...

2011-04-04T17:02:00.001+08:00

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKKKKKKK~~~!!!!!!
Gawd. FUCKFUCKKKK. UGH! One word to describe my TRUE feelings today is TERRIBLE. I may not look like it, but what's the point of showing it anyway? PFFTTTT!!
FUCK.

I freaking don't want to go to sleep.

2011-04-04T00:13:00.002+08:00

Seriously. It's midnight already, and I really don't want to go to sleep. And I've lost 2 of my needles and I lost 2 pairs of scissors, and that really upsets me. :(
Someone really need to bring me to a proper craft store to really and fully cheer me up now. And I really freaking really want to buy stuff from etsy. D: Sigh.

I really don't want to sleep now, especially since I really don't want to attend school and I haven't even finish my work for the Astronomy Club. >_< It's like freaking hard and freaking pressuring. And I've been saying freaking quite a freaking lot lately. Gawd. British accent is building up in me.

GAWD! And I need to sleep, but I just don't want to. :( Oh well.

I really wish I could live somewhere else and be someone else.

Don't. Just don't,

2011-03-28T17:41:00.002+08:00

Just don't. I rather smile than to tell anyone what's wrong. I don't see the point.

Anyway.. I'm so not gonna use the computer, unless needed, anymore. Well, not daily that is. Today excluded. Weekends only I guess.

Again, just don't tell me that I should talk about it or to let it all go. I had enough of having to deal with all this. Just let me be. I just don't see the point of trusting any individuals for the time being. I'm sorry, but things are just rough right now.

SPM.

2011-03-27T10:34:00.002+08:00

I guess for now, I just should think of SPM rather than all these events. Sigh. What's in my heart stays in my heart. All I got to do is move on. Smile when it hurts and get up when I can't. I just have to force myself in doing all these. I may cry, I may fall, but that's how life is.

Let's just pray that I can hold on much longer...

Unspoken feelings.

2011-03-26T22:34:00.002+08:00

Am I not enough? My heart aches terribly. Everything is falling apart. Far worse than what I had expected. What's happening to me? I'm 17 already, and I'm still acting like as if I'm still 14. You should grow up, Mar.

But the truth is... Moving on is just way too hard right now. In fact, I just don't want to move on anymore. It just hurts.

I'm not worth to be cared for. Not worth to be loved. Not worth to be accepted. I really don't know what to do. :(

I'm tired. So very tired.
I'm not even sure whether all these feelings will go away. Sigh.

Sadness is one thing, but grief is another.

2011-03-25T17:06:00.003+08:00

School. I really hate that word. I hate it so much. Not only school, but truth is, I really hate everything so much right now. I can only depend on being with my friends at school to make me stay calm and happy. Even so, my tears will always flow after school, cause I've to face so many shits. Don't people see me as a somebody? Am I too vile for them? Am I just nothing to them? Why won't they see me as someone worth the respect and love? I don't see the point of trying to pretend to be happy, when all they want to do is to just hurt you. I really don't want to do that.

Sadness is one thing. I feel terribly sad. And I guess I really didn't change that much. OR NEVER DID CHANGE AT ALL. I maybe stuck being a pessimist forever.

Gosh. I really feel lonely. I didn't feel like this last year. Maybe it's because my uncle was still alive, and 'she' was still available to talk to at school last year. I know I've my friends around me, standing close and helping me, I just still can't shake off this sadness and also grief. Grief of losing my uncle and grief of when 'she' moved away. There maybe a million people around me, but I still feel all alone. I feel like as if I'm the odd one out.

I'm 17, but I act like as if I'm still 14. Being slandered at this age is really pressuring, especially if it's the one 'F' is doing it. It hurts so much. And I thought I can rely on them (these 'F'), but truth is, I really can't. A bad choice to do. I don't know what to do anymore. And what's worse is, I'm sitting for my SPM this year, and I'm seriously scared of it.

Will I ever get all this feelings out? I'm tired of crying every single day this year. I know there's no use crying, but that's all I am able to do. :'(

Can't believe.

2011-03-15T23:13:00.001+08:00

I just can't believe that I'm stuck in this kind of situation again. :( And my heart aches so much every time I think of it. When will every bit of misery ends?

Hate crying so much.

2011-03-11T12:37:00.002+08:00

It's the last day of school today and all I did was cry. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.
It hurts too much. asdioajspodaspodiasopidjas. Nothing can fix anything now. It's all a little bit too late. A LITTLE BIT TOO LATE! JUST TELL ME IF YOU DISLIKE ME! I DIFFER TOO MUCH, THAT'S WHY YOU'RE DOING THIS TO ME! IF OTHER PEOPLE DID IT, YOU JUST LET THEM! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!? STUPID JUDGMENTAL PEOPLE AND STUPID LABELLING PEOPLE. YOU ARE AN IDIOT! BELIEVE ME! JUST BECAUSE OF SOMETHING SMALL, YOU DIFFER ME! ARGH! EVERYTHING I DO IS ALWAYS WRONG! FUCK LAAAAA.
IF YOU BLOODY HELL HATE ME, THEN SAY IT TO MY FACE. THIS STRIKE 2, ANOTHER STRIKE, AND YOU'LL HIT AN 'OUT', IN MY TEXT, THAT MEANS YOU'LL PAY FOR EVERYTHING!!!! YOU'RE JUST LIKE BIBAT YOU KNOW! BIBAT! THAT WRECKED STUPID OLD WOMAN. THERE! I SAID IT! JUST KILL ME LA IF LIKE THAT! STUPID! IT'S SOMETHING SMALL, AND I KNOW I'M BEING WAY TOO DRAMATIC, BUT FUCK! IT'S JUST NOT FAIR! TOO OBVIOUS!!!!

Painful painful pain!

2011-03-02T22:21:00.002+08:00

How could they do this to me!? Why must they do this to me!? I'm already in intense pain, and everything is painful. PAINFUL. Excruciating! I really can't take it anymore. I feel so alone. So frustrated. So disappointed. So used. And I know that no one will understand my pain even if I tell them. The tears I shed each night makes me feel like dying every single day. But I hold them. Not wanting to let it go. Suppressed them. Never intend to express.

How can I even anyway? No one needs Mardyati that much.

It's a good thing I've my best friends and classmates with me. Although they know nothing of my emotional pain, they make me feel a lil less sad. But even so, I feel so isolated, and so withdrawed. It hurts me internally. And no one really knows it.

The reasons behind all these pain had been going on for far too long, and I'm really on the edge already. I had had enough, but no one is there. I'm falling, sinking into that deep lake, with that big metal vest fastened on me, with the keys above the water, floating far far away as I'm sinking. Don't you get the pain and how hard it is to get back up? Even the grown-ups think I'm exaggerating and whatnot. They all keep saying that it's in my head. OF COURSE IT FUCKING IS! That's where emotions are interpreted anyway!

Mardyati is never the needed one, the one who makes them happy. Mardyati is always the screwed wrecked bitch. I hate myself. Enough said. :'(

tears and more tears.

2011-02-28T22:43:00.000+08:00

Right now. Right at this very freaking moment, I'm crying my eyes out and I have like absolutely no one. My heart had had enough of this intense pain of life. I had had enough of being hurt. And I really can't stop crying.

Mar just wants to be alone and cry and not see anyone at all. :'(

Missing him so much.

2011-02-27T02:05:00.002+08:00

'Here comes the rain again, falling from the stars. Drenched in my pain again, becoming who we are. As my memories rest, but never forgets what I lost.'
- Wake Me Up When September Ends, Green Day.

And yes, I'm listening to that song repeatedly because I know how Billie Joe feels when his father died. But the situation differs only a mere change in the subject who died. My uncle. How I miss him, no one knows. My heart hurts just by thinking of him. Every single Friday, I feel that pain of loss.

I can't forget the day he died. The day where everything changed completely. 17 July 2010, 10.45 pm.

I miss my uncle terribly. I really do. I miss him so much. His smile, his laugh, his jokes. Everything. Even his passion of cats. If only I were given a chance to be with him, I would tell him that I love him (in which I didn't get the chance to tell him.)

But I know I can't and so I only give him my prayers.

Dear usu, I miss you so much. :'(
al-fatihah.

stressful.

2011-02-24T17:20:00.003+08:00

Things had been stressful lately for me. With all the presentations I need to do, homeworks that needs to be done, notes that needs to be done, reports that needs to be think of, studying that needs to be catched up... Things that needs to be ponder... My emotions are not even balanced right now. I feel irritated, annoyed, and that sense of moodiness everyone feels when they're way too stressed out. That's a student's life anyway. So boohoo to me. Ugh.

I almost went out of my mind due to everything, and with life ain't at its best right now, that's really contributing to my pessimism.

But I guess it'll be better one day.. ONE DAY. I don't know when, but it'll come.
I shouldn't be moping around when I know I have my best friends with me all the time. They may not know what's up, but I know they're always there.

And right now.. I really need some time off from school. My head is killing me now, and making me sick. I have such a terrible sore throat today I had to delay both my oral tests to next week -- AGAIN. -.-" I just hope I'll be better next week.

Goodbye now.

Pretty much..

2011-02-20T01:45:00.002+08:00

Life pretty much is the same. Nothing really did changed for the past 3 years.. I guess... All I know is, things tend to get rough, and I tend to cry a lot. -.-" I really hate that. Ugh. What a crybaby. But hey, it's good to cry y'know, or to show any other emotions, rather than holding it in.

Some of my friends had been feeling down too lately, and that's seriously is bugging me, not in a bad way though. It bugs me to know that they're sad and I can't make them feel better. It worries me when my friends are crying and all I could do is just be there for them. I lost all words of comfort, cause I find comfort isn't with me anymore.

Life is hard. Never easy, but you can't get a rainbow without a little rain. Let it be hard now, cause like how the Malay saying goes, bersusah-susah dahulu, bersenang-senang kemudian.. It's pretty much logic actually.

Everything happens for a reason.

that feeling...

2011-02-16T17:09:00.002+08:00

have you ever felt that feeling when a sudden feeling of depression gets into you? Where you find everything to be useless as well as yourself being useless? Of you failing everything and not achieving any good things in life?

Have you ever come to the point where you want to end your life because of your misery? The feeling where you find that people dislikes you for everything that you do? That sense of paranoia?

Truth is, I've been feeling like that ever since school started.. And the reasons that lies that triggered these emotions.. No one understands, y'know.

All they do is to keep asking me whether I'm okay or not.

'Mar, are you okay?'. Truth is, I really want to scream 'NO!' at their faces, but instead, I said 'Yes'. The thing is, I really can't tell them the reason why. Even if they wants to listen, they never really REALLY want to. It's like every single step I take, every single emotions I suffer, is something insignificant, in which I'm not surprised about at all.

I don't know what's happening to me actually.

I just wish I'm a part of someones life, but no. Mar is insignificant towards everything. Mar is nothing. Wouldn't it be great if Mar no longer exists?

:)

2011-02-13T16:39:00.002+08:00

When an enemy of mine puts my name on HER blog, I just smiled.
It may be an old posts, back in last April of 2010 or so, but still, it makes me smile.

Wahai Qurratu'aini Hasimi, jgn nak loba.
I don't betray my best friend. That 'BEST FRIEND' of yours is a bitch herself, so don't you dare ruin me and Zaf's name. Like as if people would listen to you that much anyways.

And I'm happy cause I'm living life without having to see your fucked up face and bitchy attitude.

Thank you for nothing anyways. You told people I betrayed you? It is you who betrayed me. Saying to people I'm a bad influence because of what I did in the past. Saying to people that I talk bad about Zaf when truth be told is I never did. You once told me and Zaf that you dislike that 'BEST FRIEND' of yours, and another 'BEST FRIEND' of yours is no longer a virgin, and look who's standing with you now... The one you slandered ended up being your 'BEST FRIEND'.

Please lah. You're nothing but a big fat liar. Don't you dare say that me and Zaf are liars and betray people in our lives. We don't. At least we know our weaknesses, unlike you. You deny each fact that's being thrown at you. At least I don't SLANDER people. At least I know when people dislikes me. Unlike you. You feel like as if you're so great. That perfect. Please bitch. My cat can do better than you. No, better. A monkey knows how to behave better than you. The reasons I stopped doing what I used to do before shows that I know better than you. Get a life. You talked us into skipping school, and wanting to sneak out from our houses. Is that what you call a good senior?

Fuck no.

Before you bitch about us, bitch, get your facts right.

When it comes to songs...

2011-02-08T16:48:00.002+08:00

When it comes to songs, I find that sad and depressing kinds can really calm me a lot more than happy kinds. Harharhar.
Seriously, if I were to list all the songs that I listen a lot, people will think me as being psychotic. Exhibit A, my own older sister. -.-"

I'm currently in love with Linkin Park atm, but I'm so not abandoning my love for MCR. :3 Papa Roach, Nine Inch Nails, 3 Doors Down, The All-American Rejects, Green Day, Bullet for my Valentine ... so and so. hahahahhaaha.

If my sister reads this, she'll go nuts and starts lecturing me again. -.-"

But hey, everyone's different right? :D

Thinking of the future...

2011-02-01T19:15:00.002+08:00

I keep remembering about the question Mr Mike (that cute 20+ year old tutor for my Physics tuition. HNNGGG!!!) asked us last Sunday. About our plans after SPM. I answered a teacher. Well, pretty much, I really want to teach, so bad. I don't know why, but truth is, I still want to be a psychiatrist, but then again...

Heh. It's either those two. :D
Let's pray I can take either one. :3

=_="

2011-01-31T20:36:00.003+08:00

Why is it that my words are always wrongly interpreted? :/
But that's how it is, forever it will be as so. Nevermind, I will not blame anyone, for it is a natural human instinct and a natural human behaviour to misunderstand, may it be a part of a conversation, may it be throughout the whole conversation, may it be a part of a sentence may it be the whole. People will never understand fully what is meant to be said.

It is bothering me that how some of my friends, will always misunderstood the true meaning of my words, saying that it is meant for them, when it had never been meant for them. Sigh. Guys, I never even meant to hurt you, or never did want to say stuff behind you. Why should I? I have no reason whatsoever to be angry and vengeful towards you lot.

The contents of this blog had always been the cause of all the problems I had faced. That's something not pleasing to hear and to go through, but that's how it is. :/ But how miserable or how terrible things are, we just have to face it head on. That's how you move on in life.

I have a reason to fully loathe myself, and to fully despise myself and to fully hate myself for all the shits I've done, but I won't let that bring me down. The hatred I have towards myself will bring me up, but my mental state will never be as good as how I used to have it before.

The thing now is, people should really just ask me straightforward about the things I had said, rather than to bitch it somewhere else, or to hold it in. I don't bite, y'know. :/

The thing I don't understand.

2011-01-29T21:51:00.002+08:00

I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING RIGHT NOW!

FINE! JUDGE ME ALL YOU WANT!

KILL ME IF YOU MUST. I DON'T CARE!
BEING DISCRIMINATED LIKE THIS IS WELL ENOUGH BETTER BE DEAD!

:(

2011-01-21T19:40:00.002+08:00

confused. angry. lonely. sad. well, you can get the point now. I'm on the edge of breaking down, and it's only the 3rd week of school. I miss you! And believe me, how I wish you're here. I just can't take this anymore. :'(

:'(

Ya Allah, please give me strength to hold on, for I am weak, and it is only You that I can depend on right now. I'm really at my wit's end of what to do. :'(

A soothing news.

2011-01-17T15:30:00.002+08:00

Well, she sent her regards to me. At least I know why now, and the pain is less now. It's great to know that she still cares and remembers me.. I still miss her though..
Just like how it is with me and my uncle, but my uncle is a different story. He's gone forever now, and only the memories stayed. That memories will be eternity ours.

It's only the beginning of the third week of school, and I'm feeling way way down just being in school. School is not pleasant. Never was. Never is. And never will. But one good news would be, THAT CERTAIN SOMEONE will be out of there, and that'll loosen things up a little at school.

Sometimes I just want to quit school so much. But just a year left of school... At times, I feel too pressured and ended up not bothering about school stuff anymore. I feel unhappy when it comes to school. Just as how I am about lots of things.

Pfft. Sigh.

Toodles. Gonna stare at the wall and wait for Sunday to come. :P Physics tuition is the best!

School and tuition centres.

2011-01-16T16:53:00.003+08:00

For me, I have more fun during tuition than in school. Although my Biology class and Physics class consists of a few people, mainly 4 in Biology and 5 in Physics, I can focus more and have more fun. It's easier for me to interact with the tutors rather than being at school, where I have to act like as if I understand cause of my fears of asking questions to the teachers.

And I'm loving Physics tuition. :P Harharhar. Thought of taking Chemistry as well, but my mom said she'll think it over. I don't know. I have more friends in school rather than in tuition, where I only have Yasmin to freely talk with, but there's this feeling you get, an ease of an emotion you feel during tuitions. I know it costs a lot of money, but I feel at ease and fully accepted based on my intelligence (which is fairly low in Physics and not to mention Biology as well), and the tutor's way of teaching made me love the subject even more.

Why am I comparing school with tuition centres? Well, I loved tuition ever since the first time I started taking tuition classes, when I was 11. I guess I grew to understand and love a certain subject due to tuition, but I grew to understand about life at school. Either way, I still thank both side of teachers, or tutors in tuitions.

Ngeh.
See ya now.

Me being an absentee for 2 days.

2011-01-15T02:08:00.003+08:00

Didn't attend school for 2 days, due to the pain I feel in me stomache. Ugh. I hate having my menses. -_-" Haha.

Me being an absentee for 2 days is like, not good. I've been searching for ways to get out of school rather than to stay in them. :/ I really need help with that. -.-" It's just that, there's too much in my mind, and being in school just too painful right now.

Heh. Exaggerating again. -_-"

I miss someone. I miss a lot of someone, but life has to move on. I need to cheer up and smile more. That's how life is. Every time I grew to be comfortable and content with someone, they ended up leaving me, may it be hatred grew in them, or may it be death or moving away. Life has to move on, and they will stay as a part of my life.

I miss having someone to talk to about everything without feeling scared and without being judged. :(

Walking is my time of optimism..

2011-01-10T14:51:00.002+08:00

I begin to notice that, for 4 years (almost 5 years) of high school, every time I walk back home, my mind is in the optimism state. Like, three out of four most of the time, during my journey back home (iyerrr. journey kepala hotak kau. -.-"), my mind is at peace and serenity, and I begin to think on the positive side of things.

Well, I guess that just shows how mature I've become. And I couldn't have done it without the help of everyone in my life, may it be my enemies (sorry, but we humans are not perfect, and we tend to let out our hatred to other people, and made them become enemies. That's just how humans are.), my friends, my used-to-be friends, my teachers, my families, the strangers whom I met only for a few moment, the deceased people I grew to know and love, and the most important one would be, Allah.

No matter how hard things are, I just shouldn't let that get in the way. I'm 17 years old now (well, almost that is.), and I really should start moving on and not being stuck in the past. In a few more years, I'll maybe studying or may already start working, and I promise to everyone and to myself, I will work hard for it. Even if I can't be a psychiatrist, a job related or close enough with it is satisfactory enough for me.

But hey, sometimes, words are only words, and dreams are only dreams. Even so, I will never lose hope again.

That's a lie though, cause humans were made to be vulnerable, to be strong, to be weak, to be immortally strong at heart, and so. We are never ever perfect, never will and never was.

Prepare for the worst is how the saying goes.

Still not sleeping.

2011-01-08T01:01:00.002+08:00

Well, isn't it obvious? I just can't sleep. My mind is like filled with thoughts and whenver I try to get sleep, they're just like screaming in my head, and making me lose the fatigue. -.-"

I miss lots of people, but people seem to leave me, and I guess I just grew to get used with the disappointment and hurt it gives. Sigh.

:( And I really don't want to cry anymore.

That's hard.. Everything's hard, and right now, I feel so lonely. :(

Just gotta move on..

2011-01-07T19:06:00.005+08:00

Although life hadn't been pretty lately, especially school, but I just gotta move on.. Whether I like it or not, I should move on.

And what I learnt is that, the person whom you thought would never leave you or hurt you, will one day leave or hurt you, and believe me, the pain may be unbearable. But that's how life is, we feel pain everyday, may it be little or may it be a lot.

For my case now, one piece of news broke my heart into million of pieces, just like the saying goes, like a mirror smashed into pieces. The pieces are small, some may be so small it is not visible to the human's eye. To put it back together requires lots of work, and you'll cut yourself while doing so, but one day, it'll be fix. It'll be fix, but it won't be the same anymore. You can see the cracks, and damage. But if we're good enough, we can fix it without having the cracks to show.

I've been sad lately. Especially during in school. But that's not anyone's problem except for only mine. I need time to adapt to new changes, and to adjust my emotions according to the changes. I've shed tears everyday in this week, cause that's how I let it all go now. I may see things differently after that news I received on the first day of school. I felt the loneliness came back, and the hurt and frustration burried me so deep in depression.

But truth is, everything happens for a reason. Rather than I see all this as half-empty, I should as well see it as half-full. It takes time, and by that, A LOT OF TIME.

That's how life is. And we are vulnerable and weak. But through those vulnerability and weakness, we find strength and faith to move on.

For 4 years (coming to 5 years) of high school, I learnt a lot about life, and I thank Allah for giving me this kind of life, even if I complained a lot about it. We humans are never easy to be satisfied, but that's how it is about life. The challenges we face each day makes us stronger, even if we can't notice it.

You know what? People often asked me, why do I wish to be a psychiatrist or anything related with it.. The truth and answer would be, I got the inspiration from my school counselor, cikgu Malek. During my times in form 2, I grew to learn about his job as a school counselor. And during those learning process about his job, I learnt that he truly cares and understands even if he never had been in our shoes. He helps people by being there and listening, and guides us so that we can adjust and accept life as it is, and help us to solve some of our daily problems and stress. I don't only take him as my inspiration, I take cikgu Hayati and cikgu Mariam as well as the other teachers in high school (my former form teacher, cikgu Norida, cikgu Norharizam, etc). I find their jobs as the most important and sacred job of all time. I respect them so much. And this is why I grew to love psychology and psychiatry as well as education.

But right now, with her moving far, my mind's not being rational just like how I sound in this post. All I need now is time. She may no longer be by my side, but her advices are still lingering in my mind, as well as memories with her. I sound like as if someone died. -.-" Sorry. It's just that, it feels like as if I lost my uncle for the second time, and losing him was hard enough, I just don't want to feel that pain and disappointment and also the anger sum sorrow again.

All I need is time... But I miss you though. The both of you, both my uncle and you. Sigh.

:'(

2011-01-04T19:21:00.001+08:00

I can't help it but to cry now. It just hurts too much. Painful. The excruciating pain.

But everything happens for a reason. There must be a reason behind all this. There must be. :'(

I just want to be hug so much right now, but no. Let's just leave me alone. :'(

FUCK MY LIFE.

2011-01-03T14:53:00.002+08:00

DON'T YOU DARE ASK ME HOW WAS SCHOOL! IT SUCKS LIKE HELL. FUCK! LOTS OF TERRIBLE NEWS, LOTS OF UNWANTED EVENTS, LOTS OF... BLARGHHh!!!!!!!

SOMEONE KILL ME RIGHT NOW, THE PAIN IS JUST UNBEARABLE!!!

Happy New Year

2011-01-01T17:37:00.002+08:00

Happy New Year everyone! :)
I have my own resolutions for 2011, and that I won't tell a single soul. :D
I prefer to keep it personal rather than to blab it all to the whole world. HAHA.

Anyway, it's been awhile since I made bracelets. D: been too busy finishing some key chains for my friends and my brother's headband. :/ I'll make some later. I'm still in love with those friendship bracelets. :)

Although I must say, I'm not good in selling stuff, but I'll try to master the art of amigurumi, and sell those amigurumi. :D Who doesn't like amigurumi? They're freaking adorable! :D

And school is in 1 day time. TT_TT I don't want to go back to school just yet. D':

Oh well. See ya, I'm almost done finishing my brother's headband. Gonna go and make Zila's bracelet (which I postponed way too long now) and Amy's key chain. :D I really need to make a beading loom for myself. :(

Anyone wanna buy some? :D

I'll be there for you..

2010-12-30T20:52:00.002+08:00

When things get tough, or when you're feeling down, I'll always be there for you. You may not see it now, but I care very much about my friends. Very much. They were there for me when things got tough, and when I was feeling very down. They were there, even if they did not lend much of a shoulder to cry on, they were still there and never left me when I cried or when I laughed. Friends means the world to me. They're the persons that makes me happy throughout life, and believe me, it's hard to make me happy and content. I am not content right now, cause some of my friends are very on the edge.

When things get tough, and you want someone to talk to, I'll be there.
When you want someone to accept you for who you are, I'll be there.
When you want a shoulder to cry on, I'll lend you mine.
When you wish to be angry and you want someone to vent to, I'll always be the ears that can endure all that anger of yours.
I'll be there even things are rough for me. I'll be there when no one will be there for you. I know that people see me as a bad influence, but all my friends see me as opposed to what is being said. I want to be there for them just like how they were there for me.

Just like the song by Kat-Tun called I'll Be With You & also a song called Friends (with news).

I grow angry towards myself when my friends are down. I grow sad towards myself for being so pathetic that I can't be there for them. I withdraw myself from them if I feel like I am of no use to them.

To all my friends, thanks for being there for me, and stick up with me till the very end. When I was depressed, you were there to cheer me up, and when things got very tough, you never judged and left me. Thank you. I thank all of you for the spirit of not giving up on me. I thank all of you, cause you guys are the reasons of why I am alive now.

And I thank my teachers as well. I thank Allah the most, and that's that.

But I guess, right now, I need to depend on myself more than to depend on them a lot. That goes to them as well, but hey, like one teacher told me once, sometime you have to trust others to help you. You can't stand alone. No man is an island.
:)

toodles. It's freaking 9pm, and I haven't had any food since morning. -.-"

PS : I miss my uncle when it comes near to New Year's Eve. I don't know why I just miss him too much right now. Usu, kmk rindu usu mena2. Sayang usu.

Day out, crafts & school.

2010-12-30T00:21:00.002+08:00

First things first, went out today and watched Gulliver's Travel. Was a good movie but I still don't get the storyline. :/ Funny, but still weird. LOL. So today was the day I went out and probably enjoy before school starts.

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of crafts lately. Friendship bracelets, crochets, cross-stitching, embroidery stitching and hopefully one day knitting. I wanna try and make some amigurumis but I failed since my crochet skills are still rusty. But fear not, practice makes perfect. :) Been busy doing some projects for my brother, and psst... I haven't even done any of my friend's wants yet. -.-" And I've been piling lots of WIP in my stash. UGH! I'm such a procrastinator. :/

And oh, next week school reopens. :( I really hate it. UGH!!!
And to make matters worse, I lost my NILAM paper, and now I've to face the music of MS NG's words of death! BLARGH! I fucking hate going to school, but I know one day I'm going to miss it. Thinking of school made me feel very depressed lately. VERY depressed. It's not that I don't like my friends or whatnot, I love them. It's just that, I don't know. 4 years of high school, and high school life hadn't been that great up till now. I'm not sure whether 2011 will be a better year for the last year of high school. UGH! I freaking hate high school life day by day. It may not be the best years in my life, but those years are going to be my life lesson that I will bring in the future to other kids and teens.
Ya Allah, one more year of high school, please let me be strong to face all of it again.
I feel so utterly depressed when it comes to thinking about school. Seriously. I feel so useless, so worthless, so vile, so unneeded, so unwanted, so sad, and so angry, I sometimes wish to die. But hey, that's normal in some teens right? Sigh. I just want this frustration to ease, and yet it never does ease. I feel this big of an anger building up inside of me, this sadness, this frustration, the disenchantment of it all. BLARGH! And not only school, other matters as well. UGH! I feel so tense, and yet I shouldn't be so at all. :'( I feel like crying.

:'(

School.

2010-12-29T00:11:00.002+08:00

:( The saddest thing would be now is that, school will be reopen next week and I freaking hate going back to school. It's not that I'm not looking forward to see my friends, it's just that, being in school makes me feel very depressed. UGH! Just one more year and high school life is over. :/

I'm so not in the mood just by thinking about school. UGH! SCHOOL! PFFT!
:( And I haven't been sleeping well lately because of the thought of school reopening. :'( And not to mention ~~crying~~! D':

BLARGH!

And the truth right now is...

2010-12-24T15:59:00.002+08:00

GOSH! I just want to break down and let my tears flow and just scream. I always feel like this on a Friday. I just feel so darn emotional right now, I just can't think straight. I just want to cry and lock myself in my room. I just want to cry till my eyes are red, if possible cry till I cry tears of blood. You just don't know how painful everything feels right now. Very painful. And yet I have nothing to be angry, or sad about. UGH!

Rifqi came over for awhile just now, and that makes me feel more sad. :'( Why can't he stay for awhile more? Oh well.

BLARGH. I hate everything so much right now yet I have absolutely no reasons to. Gosh. FML

The astonishing truth would be...

2010-12-22T14:27:00.002+08:00

Naah. Ignore that title. I just love how it sounds. Haha.
Y'know, I kept on reading my old blog, about the past. 2008 posts and 2009 posts. Some 2010 posts. :) I just never knew how much I changed and how miserable I was before -- which actually is I'm entirely still miserable now, but it eases. I grew up learning from my mistakes, and changed myself. I'm not quite sure whether I'm changing for the better or for the worse, but for all I know, I've changed in so many ways. From behaviors, personality, attitude, thinking, and not to mention physically. -.-"

To think back.. I am a jerk y'know. A big stuck up, arrogant and bitchy jerk. :/ And truth be told is, I don't wanna stay and be the same Mardyati anymore. I'm still searching for my real identity now.

I've been thinking about the future lately, since 2011 will be my last year for high school. After SPM, I'll be facing life as an adult. I still wish to be a psychiatrist, but sometimes my self-esteem made me think that I am not capable in being one, so I made side-plans. If I can't be a psychiatrist, I'll choose something in common with psychiatry, like, I don't know... A psychologist, a sociologist, a therapist? A guidance counselor? Just as long as it is involve with those kind of field. But I really want to study Child and Adolescent Psychology. Just some reasons. My own reasons.

Sigh. Gotta go. It's 2.37PM, and I haven't had anything to eat yet. D':
I dislike cooking. -.-" But I hafta!! D: Blargh!

But then, after eating, I'll be doing some friendship bracelets and some amigurumis. :D I love crafts. :) I still need to make some looms from those darn woods. :/ I wanna do some bead works. :) LOL. :D

A drama review.

2010-12-16T23:01:00.001+08:00

Seriously, Koizora (Sky of Love) is a very teary drama. A love story of two high school lovers, who loves each other until the very end. :'( It's sad though when Hiro died. Their love is pure and sincere. :')
I can't even put this drama into words. I cried so many tears just watching it. It touches the heart so much. :')

REGARDING MY CBOX

2010-12-15T18:12:00.000+08:00

I'm gonna take away my Cbox and put in my Formspring here instead. I just can't handle the spam in my Cbox. Besides, no one ACTUALLY reads my blog anyway. HAISH!

is it all worth the risk?

2010-12-14T22:17:00.002+08:00

I've been thinking lately... Been reminiscing the past, and judging myself based on my mistakes in the past. Truth is, I was stupid and truth be told is, I still am. I never really moved on, and I really just should.

People label me as emo, because I'm always down and well, literally bad mood all the time. That goes to show that I'm still immature and naive about my own feelings. Well, 2008 was my over the edge year, where I was emotionally unstable, to the point where I can't even think rationally. Truth now is, I learn to grow up, even though my feelings are not yet fully stable atm, but I learn to grow up and learn from my mistakes.
I used to think and ask myself 'Is it all worth the risk?'. It wasn't.

2010 had been terrible, far more worse than 2008, but I still try to hold on, and be strong and face all difficulties by taking them as challenges in life. Even though I'm not coping well with changes, I'm still alive and breathing, and I thank Allah for that. I came to realize it now, I really need to stop all this 'emo' stuff and move on and be happy. Life is never easy. Life is never fair. But what goes around comes around. One day happiness will come fully to those who waits patiently and who gives effort in claiming their rights of that happiness.

I sound old, as some people say, but life hadn't been easy for me that much. I'm trying to mature myself about coping and life. I have the help of my best friends, my friends, my teachers, and supposedly my family, but most of all, I have Allah by my side, no matter what, where, why, how, or when, He will always be by my side. It is my wrong doings of forgetting about Him and ignoring His rules that I have this kind of life, but I want to change that -- slowly that is.

Cikgu Mariam once told me, in order to change, you can't depend on other people, but it is you yourself who can change you. And I really want that. If she, and every other people can achieve their rights of happiness and life, then I can too. InsyaAllah, I believe that wholeheartedly.

Everyone has problems. Family, friends, financial, love, death, career, violence and etc. Everyone makes mistakes, even those who people think are perfect makes mistakes. In fact, nothing is perfect, never close to perfect. Even our prophet Mohammad SAW is not near perfect as to our God, Allah SWT. I don't know why people crave to be perfect, as those as perfectionist. I knew a perfectionist once, and their life is always in the down side, more than me. The only difference is, they try and hate failures, while me, I never even give my fully best effort in anything and hate life. That's wrong and I should put the blame on me and no one else.

In 2008, I was taught that there are people who cares and who are willing to listen to your feelings. There are people who will give you a helping hand when you're down. There are people who will just listen and let you cry and not judge. But 2008, I also learned that never ever follow your emotions. I learned that the hard way. I learned that, people will never remember what goods you did, but people will always remember what wrongs you did. That, too, I learned the hard way. I learned that some people befriend you because of fame, power and money. I learned that betrayal exists in friendship, and I learned to like (not love) a guy whom I knew ever since preschool.

In 2009, I learned that things change. Life is never easy. People come and go. I learned that even the slightest mistake can trigger one person's anger towards you forever. I learned that some people are better off not being in life. I learned that even saying 'sorry', some things can't be better. I learned to give people a second chance, but when that chance is futile, it's better off to kick them out of your life for good. I learned that brain beats bronze. Fist fights is never the solution. I also learned that trust can be easily broken. In 2009, I lost lots of friends. In fact, I almost lost all of them. There are reasons. One, slanders. Two, betrayal. Three, my fault. Four, unworthy. Five, labels. Six, people grew tired of me. I don't blame them though (except those who slandered and labelled me. Like, HELLO! As if you're that good!).

In 2010, I learned almost everything. Hardship in family, loss of a family member, losing a good friend, loss of a good friend, being depressed, losing faith... ETC. In fact, I was so highly sad this year, I ended up not wanting to go to school, and not wanting to see my friends. I ended up changing into someone who talks less and interact less in class.

I changed that much. But now, I wanna go for the better. InsyaAllah, with efforts and will, I'll achieve my dream. Becoming a psychiatrist is what I always wanted. Why? Cause I want to help those in need, to help those when they needed help, to bring the light back into their lives and so on. I live to fulfill that dream and goal. But supposedly if I don't get into Medical school, then what shall I be? D: What a rip off! :/

Toodles.

Koizora

2010-12-06T18:51:00.001+08:00

Hey ho Blog people!
Currently watching Koizora (Sky of Love), recommended by Ariff. It's a GUH-REAT drama. Gonna go watch the movie version after I finish the drama one. I've only reached Episode 4 of the drama series and believe me when I say, it's very very very teary and sweet. Sad to know that Hiro (the main character) has a tumor and is dying, and he won't tell Mika (the main character) about it. :(

But still, this is just heart warming, and sweet all the same.

Toodles.

Gosh

2010-12-03T23:29:00.002+08:00

I keep on fighting with my own best friends. :/ I sometimes wish I could be a better person, or sometimes I wish I wasn't a part of their lives. It hurts to understand your mistakes, and try to repent from it, trying your very best to erase all your pain and behaviors. I want to change to be a better Mardyati, rather than to stay and be the same Mardyati.

But it takes time, y'know. Last time I was vulnerable and ready to snap at anything being thrown at me. I hate it. I hated life. I hated myself to the max. I didn't put myself in other people's shoes. I was inconsiderate. A jerk. A brat. And I wasn't matured. Naive. Uncool. And all those negatives stuff.

But now, I realized all those mistakes I had made, and now I'm trying to learn from them and move on. It hurts. Hurts like a whole lot. You just don't know how many tears I had shed this year due to the pain and agony.

Fear not, I won't give up just yet. Maybe at some point, or once in a while, I may give up again, it won't last long. I'll get up when I can't.

Bye now.

No title.

2010-11-27T02:55:00.000+08:00

Sighhhhhhhhhhh. I'm freakin' bored. :/
I miss my friends. :( Like a hell lot. And I'm like, still feeling so suckish and do down-ish. :/ Ughh. I kinda hate life atm. Whatever. Bye.

Hey.

2010-11-20T01:35:00.003+08:00

I've been posting lots of emo stuff lately, y'know. Wanna know why? Cause I'm in so much pain and sorrow, you just wish you never even asked why. :/ Sigh.

4 months 4 days. What's with the period of time? Well... 16 July was 4 months 4 days ago, and for 4 months 4 days we lived life without my uncle. My beloved late uncle. :'( I still miss him though. Everyone still misses him. Who wouldn't miss him?

I've thought about him a lot ever since he died. Hey, a family is a family y'know. Dealing with death is never easy. Sigh.

Anyway.. Enough with emo-ing.
It's the holidays now. And by mean of holidays, it'll mean literally... WEEKS AND WEEKS OF BOREDOM. I miss my classmates, and best friends. Sigh. :(
I'm uber bored and uber lonely without them. :(

but I'm not looking forward for school to reopen, cause it'll mean that I'll be a form 5 next year, and SPM will be around the corner.

sigh. Okay. It's late, I should hit the hay. Probably. :/

wtv

2010-11-12T23:17:00.000+08:00

well.... IGNORE ALL MY PREVIOUS POSTS! AND I'M SO LEAVING BLOGGING-HOOD.
BYE

why.

2010-11-11T21:18:00.002+08:00

I keep making a fuss about everything. I should just go mute. UGH! Why am I such a dramatic wuss? Damn you, Mar. :(

Sorry about all the things I said, but I'm just disappointed, okay? :( I know you mean no harm, but what you're doing really is doing harm itself.

Sigh.

Anyway, read Zaf's blog just now. And she stated that I'm an unromantic girlfriend. haha. True, though. HAHA! I have a boyfriend, but I act like as if I'm single. Well, it's not that good to think of your boyfriend during life as a teenager. I mean, what's the use right? no point at all. UNLIKE THOSE EX-CLASSMATES I HAVE. -.-" They're lame. Crying just because of GUYS leaving them, or rejecting them, or cheating on them. I mean, if fate were to pair them till the boy asked her hand in marriage, then I don't mind with those tears of heart broken bla bla bla.

And I'm still feeling down. Disappointed. In fact, I'm all negativity rather than positivity. PESSIMIST MUCH! -_-"

Ngeh. Gonna go now. Making Zaf & Abell's bracelets. :)

Sorry.

2010-11-10T22:17:00.001+08:00

Sorry about the previous posts. I've been feeling terribly down lately. Sigh. Ignore them. They don't mean anything that much. It was just my head. It's all in the head.

Anyway, abang's home. So, no photoshop till January. -.-" Dangggg.
HEY! I failed my HISTORY paper! THE ONLY GIRL IN MY CLASS WHO FAILED THAT DAMN PAPER! -.-" and my teacher said that my answer paper is worse than those 4B5. -.-" OH GREAT! Thanks for ruining my spirit. :(

Okay. I'm so giving up in this exam. I don't care. -.-" Gahh. :(

have you ever??

2010-11-09T21:02:00.002+08:00

have you ever felt so down you sometime wish that you could cease to exist? have you ever felt so heart broken you just wish you can get away from everyone and just cry? have you been so betrayed that you wish you could just stab a knife to your heart cause the pain is just too much? have you ever felt so lonely you just wish you could stay at home forever, under the covers of your blanket and just cry and pray for death? have you ever felt so unheard, so unloved that you would frequently question why? have you ever felt so numb, cause feeling too many feelings at once? have you ever feel so used that you wish you could just wear a mask when going out cause you're too ashamed? have you ever did something regretful that you never forgive yourself up until the day you breathe now? have you ever thought about me??

I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now. A mixture of emotions, where I, myself cannot put into words. Angry, yes. Sadness, yes. Frustrated, yes. Unwanted, yes. Isolated, yes. I guess I'm just on the edge of breaking down.

I had never felt this big of burden. I had never felt like as if I'm carrying the whole world on my shoulders. And the worse part of it is, I ended up repressing my own feelings rather than to express 'em.

I can't help but to cry every single day and night now. Holding my tears in front of my friends, my family, my teachers, just everyone. I may sometimes break into tears in front of them, accidentally, but I cover it with a lie. I'm not a liar, it's just that, I often lie about my own feelings. I wish not for people to know my true feelings at that time, cause to me, my feelings aren't important.

But right now, I wish that someone will care for my feelings and listen me out wholeheartedly and willingly, and understandingly, without judging me. I can't stand the pain that's making my heart ache more day by day. The aching in my heart increases every time I cry and all I get is the view of the blue walls of my room. I can't stand crying alone. I can't stand having to suffer alone. I can't stand to be alone. To feel alone! I just can't stand all this!

I know I'm exaggerating, but that's all everyone keep saying. They never tend to listen completely. I'm tired. so tired.

I just want to cry my eyes out and have someone there to comfort me, rather than I cry myself to sleep, with no one beside me, with only walls as my companion.

I lost the people who cared about me this year, and it was my fault. How foolish I was. I'm sorry.

Gahh. I just feel so down, so depressed right now, even tears are too sad to shed.

:( I'm sorry about this post. I just want to be understood. But I guess no one will ever fulfill this want for me. I am just too vile to be followed, to be understood, to not be judged... I hate me.

Nothing in common...

2010-11-07T23:27:00.003+08:00

The thing that's currently bothering me, well, one of the things that's currently bothering me is my little sister. I know I shouldn't be saying bad stuff about her and whatsoever, cause she's my flesh & blood. The thing is...
I have nothing in common with her. Nor with my other siblings. Sometimes I feel so useless, but hey, sometimes it's normal to feel that way. At least that's what I think so.

My little sis often say to me that she can't wait for me to get out from this house, and not be near her and all those. It hurts me a lot, cause I have never felt that way towards any of my siblings. I love being with my siblings, although sometimes we fight and squabble a lot, but that's how siblings are. Sigh. I guess my little sister has nothing in common with me. She misses my older sister, but I'm not sure whether she misses my brother though. -.-" For all I know is, I love my siblings dearly, and can't bear to think about what if something bad happens to one. Haish.

Anyway, I should stop complaining. :|
Been making lots and lots of friendship bracelets lately, getting quite the hang of it too. And guess what? There's something else that's bothering me too. I've been having this dream, quite often actually.
Let me type my dream out, cause I really need to get it out of my chest.

In that dream, my attitude and personality was like my attitude and personality when I was in form 2. Fragile, highly sensitive, melancholic and all those pessimism. And at one point, a problem arrived, the same problem I'm currently having in reality. I grew so angry, so frustrated, so sad, I went away (literally by flying. -.-" I know.) to find this 'person', the same person in every dream, and break down beside him. I cried my eyes out, and I didn't have to say anything, he already knows. NOTE THAT IT IS A HE. A MALE! And the weird part is, in reality, I haven't spoken to this person ever since Mirul moved to Kolej. But in some occassion, I met Miss M in my dream, and I break down beside her. In reality, I never break down beside her, nor have I cried. The thing that bothers me is, it felt so real, I cried when I woke up from my sleep. And why must it be those 2 person every single time? And the same event in each of my dream.

Argh. I sound so lame, but it really bothers me a lot.

And to tell you the truth, that 'person', that male, I feel a lot of guilt towards him, but I'm too scared to ask for forgiveness in reality. I'm sorry. :(

Sigh. I'm feeling glum. Had been glum for the past few weeks actually. Oh well.
Goodnight now, tired. :)

:(

2010-11-06T00:33:00.002+08:00

Is life always this hard? But never fear, I know I'm not alone. I have my friends, and my family, and most of all, I have Allah. I know I shouldn't be sad nor should I be angry, but how can I not. Not expressing what's what is like not to defuse a bomb that is waiting its time to blow up. My emotions are like a volcano, waiting to erupt. Well, pretty much as so. But it's just that, everytime I do voice it all out, something bad tends to happen.

I learnt that, everything happens for a reason. Every single hello ends with a goodbye. Appreciate those who you have now before they're gone. Never shed a single tear for something that's not worth crying for. And much more. It's true what people keep on saying to me, and when I say people, it's actually what she said. One person. She told me that all that had happened to me this year had made me to learn to grow up and be mature. It's true though. It takes time to heal, but sometimes, time doesn't heal anything.

I'm not sure why I'm saying all this, but that's just me.
All I know now is, I'm also that happy, cause I have my best friends, my friends, my family and all those who love me. They may not know what's what on my mind, and I'm glad to know I'm no longer a burden to their mind, they're always there to make me smile and laugh. Although they do not know about all the tears I've shed, they're still here.

I know it's okay to cry, it's okay to feel angry, it's okay to not be okay.. Life is not balanced if joy is not paired with tears. I understand that very clearly.

And I'm still not sure why I'm typing all this. I guess, I just am too ... I can't put it into words. All that I know now is, I just hope that I'll be okay sooner or later. Probably. Who knows. Too many things on my mind, so many things to say, but so little time, so little words...

Fear not world, Mardyati will not give up.. Well, not just yet.

WHIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

2010-10-13T15:39:00.003+08:00

GUESS WHAT!? SCHOOL WASN'T THAT BAD TODAY. JOY JOY JOY TODAY! :D
It's hard to see me loving a day of school. :) Got some great new gossips to share with, and listened to some more great new gossips today. >:) I'm such a gossiper. HAHAHAHA! And laughed out loud a lot in class today, well, who wouldn't laugh anyway? Beb and her poseys were joking a lot today, and so did the boys. Even though I got teased a little today, it was worth it, cause it made me happy. :)

But, I ended up sleeping during Physics. -.-" Cause it was boring and I can't understand one bit, and I dislike that teacher a lot. Pfft. D:

Ngeh. If only there's no Islamic studies tomorrow, then I'll be happy to go to school tomorrow. It's not that I don't want to study that subject, it's just that.. Well, just something. -.-" I ain't gonna tell ya! Naa-uhh. :P

But at least there's 2 English period and 2 Maths period tomorrow! MY TWO FAVORITE SUBJECTS OF ALL TIME! :D But still, blarghhh. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. Gonna go think of some excuse so that I won't have to attend tomorrow. >:D I'm so lameeee.

Okayyyy. Gonna go watch 'Helen the Baby Fox' now. I mistakenly brought the wrong book back home just now, and now I hafta wait tomorrow to finish my homework. :( And my Biology notes are in my school desk. -.-" And so is my Physics textbook. -.-"

SEE YA! HATE TO BE YA! HAHAHAHA

BIG BIG SIGH!

2010-10-13T00:37:00.003+08:00

What's with the sigh? CAUSE! I'm going back to school TODAY, as in, in 6 hours time. T_T I'm not ready for school. And I can't sleep. THIS HAPPENS EVERY SINGLE MOTHERFUCKING DAY DURING SCHOOLING DAYS! I hate going to school. :(
Nvm! One year left of high school and I'm free -- from studying in high school that is. And let's just pray that I'll have good results in SPM next year so that I can finally take the course I had longed to study and love! Please oh just please let me study psychiatry after SPM! Amin!

And guess what! My History notes are still, well, FAR FAR AWAY FROM... -.-" nvm. You'll get the point. D: I really need to catch up on my studies. Add maths and Physics are the subjects I'm worried about. -.-" At least add maths is better than Physics. I don't know anything about Physics, SERIOUSLY! Not even Chapter 1 of Physics. -.-"
Why can't Physics be easy to understand and memorize like Modern Maths? T_T I can understand Modern Maths faster than Physics. D: Chemistry is way way way more fun and easier to understand than Physics!
PHYSICS! I HATE YOU! T_T

Aaaaaaaaa! I really should be sleeping, but I can't. So Imma gonna study for awhile after this (Like as if that'll happen). And OH! DID I MENTION!? I had finished watching 'Iryu Team Medical Dragon II' just now! Happy ending. Sighhhh. :) Can't wait for 'Iryu Team Medical Dragon III' to come out. :3 Koike Teppei is so cute! Gonna watch 'Helen the Baby Fox' movie later. And oh, gonna finish watching 'Nobuta wo Produce' too, and probably gonna search for 'Best Friend' movie too, and oh, gonna watch 'Kaze no Garden' too. :3

BTW! I love DownTown duo. Matsumoto Hitoshi & Hamada Masatoshi are two japanese comedians. They're great! Sukoi ne!!! :) And oh, not forgetting the Cocorico Duo, Endou Shozo & Tanaka Naoki. :) And single comedian, Yamazaki Hosei. :D THEY'RE SUPERB! Gaki no Tsukai is my favorite, never got tired of it. :)

And okay. I should be off now. See ya!

PS : Not gonna be active in Facebook and Twitter, and oh, Tumblr too. But I'll be blogging still.. That is, IF, I don't delete this blog. Just saying. I hate being too socialize like this. Pfft. Very menyakitkan hati. -.-" BYE!
And oh, btw, ignore my cbox. -.-" I'm lazy to delete all those stupid chats, in where, they're trying their best to advertise stupid things. Yada yada yada. Blarghh. Pissing me off. Gonna get rid of the cbox later. Pfft.

10.10.10

2010-10-10T14:49:00.002+08:00

It's 10.10.10 today. They say that today's a miracle kind of day. Prove to me that miracles really happen on this very day. -.-"

Still didn't finish my History notes. It's like, everytime I try to finish my notes, I ended up procrastinating, opening up Tumblr and watching videos. And oh, speaking of videos, did I mention that I had uploaded one video of ME playing the damn keyboard on YouTube? D: It sucks, but I was bored. Besides, it was an old video. Still embarrassing though. -.-"

Anyway.. I really need a new webcam, and some $$. T_T I can't live without a novel. D: But mom refused to buy me a novel.

Me : Makkkk. Gi Popular juhh.
Mom : Nakpa kerja gi sia indah?
Me : Mok beli buku.
Mom : ehh. Tg bukak jak kau buku Sejarah kau dolok. Lak abis SPM baruk kau puas meli buku bha.

-.-" That's how the conversation went. -.-" I'm lazy to translate it to English. Mom asked me to improve on my History first then I can buy novels. BUT, that's only possible after SPM. -.-" THAT'S LIKE A YEAR AWAY! D: This is so not fun. T_T Oh well, saving money time now.

Right now, I think I have RM 75 in my wallet? I don't know. Never checked. Not gonna spend a cent out of it, unless that 'someone' asked 'us' to pay again, and that 'someone' will only use it for her own and not for 'us'. Pfft.

Ignore that. :/
Guess what I'm doing now?
Absolutely nothing.. LIE! I'm watching 'Gaki no Tsukai : Hospital', or in other words, a Penalty Game/Batsu game, in where the contestants are given severe punishment every time they laugh. Funny game show too. :) And btw, Endou is so good-looking, and Tanaka is so, I don't know.. So, adorable when he screams in pain and fear. HAHAHAHAHA! -.-"

Okie. Gonna go finish watching 'Iryu Team Medical Dragon II' too after this.
Bye bye byeeee. hahaha.

Hey ho hey ho hey hoooo

2010-10-09T00:48:00.002+08:00

Hey ho ! Halo !
haha. I just love saying those. :3 Oh, pardon me for my retardness. :)

Anyway, I'm still up right now. Doing my History notes! T_T I have to redo everything, since I lost my notebook. :( And I'm left with 8 more chapters. Sigh. This is tiring. :/ I dislike History because I have to memorize lots and lots of facts, in which I can't process any mental images in my mind. I love Biology, even though I have to memorize a lot. In Biology, I can at least have that mental image about everything that I had read, and that makes memorizing easier and understanding easier. UNLIKE HISTORY! T_T Damn. -.-"

Okayyy. I'm just bored right now!
And I'm tired of all the dramas that's currently happening in my life right now. Sigh. Oh well. I better get used to all this. Besides, being sad all the time is tiring too, but I can't shake it off. -.-" And I'm always pissed off lately that I think I scare people. -.-"

Is it just me, or is my English getting rusty by the second? D: Boo hooo. I'm terribly lame. -.-"

Anyway, went to see the dentist ytd, as in, at 7 pm ytd. Haha. Was funny, yet scary. -.-" I never like going to the dentist. :( But the dentist was nice, so it made that trip fun? -.-" Whatever. At least my toothache is gone, and that's all that matters! :D Let's just hope that the pain won't come back, cause if it does, then there goes my tooth. -.-"

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I'm bored. :( Oh well. Off to studying. (Waiting for my drama to load too, btw. :P I'm so in love with this drama, I just can't get my eyes off it. :D).

Adios blog. :D

Y'know something?

2010-10-07T00:38:00.002+08:00

Something isn't right about everything lately. I guess the only problem I'm facing is about myself? Ngeh. I've no idea about that myself.

Anyway..

This song, originally sung by Miley Cyrus (a singer in which I loathe for no reason), makes me teary in so many ways. I'm not a fan of Miley, but this song is an exception. I like this cover of the song though. :) This song reminds me of those who had left me.. Harmin, who died early this year, and my uncle who died last July. This song reminds me of them so much.

This song too reminds me of them. The pain of losing someone you love had never really healed for me. Sigh. Yes, I've been hearing sad sad sad sad songs lately, just to ease my own feelings of grieve, but somehow it makes me sadder and sadder even more.

I lost my good friend last year too. Lost another friend this year, and I lost my uncle this year too. Through all those losses I had had, the pain had never left me. Never. Especially after I had lost my uncle. I hadn't had the chance to see two of my friends since they died in their hometown, which 1, in Peninsular, 2, in Canada, if I'm not mistaken. So yeah, losing them is not that painful as to losing my uncle. I can still remember the last time I saw him. Not moving. Not breathing. But I can see peace featured on his face. A smile. He had lived a good life, everyone agrees on that fact. He never mouthed a bad thing about anyone, always ready to meet people with a smile. Always trying to be the hero of the day with his jokes. I really miss those. He teases his nephews and nieces to the point where we would run away from him and he would chase us.

I had always put aside this feeling of grieve and ignore it. But now, this feeling is growing as I'm ignoring. It grew to be so big, I ended up can't ignore it. I guess, that's what people say, grieve is inevitable. I guess so. I avoid talking about all these eversince my uncle died, cause I become teary every single time I try to. I've talked about all this though, but not to anyone. In fact, I talked to the stars, cause to me, ever since I was young, whenever I miss someone so bad, I would look up and look for a star and smile. It's becoming a habit. Whenever I'm having a bad day, and I just couldn't find anyone to talk to, I would look at the stars and cry.

Sigh. I hate this feeling. :( Oh well. Off to bed now. Goodnight. :)

Boom! :)

2010-10-05T00:08:00.002+08:00

YO! :)
It's 12 am right now, and I know I should be sleeping, but I'm not tired. LIE! I'm tired (and somehow feeling a lil bit chilly right now. -.-") but I just can't sleep. So, because of that, I'm watching movies again at night.

Anyway, didn't attend 3 days of school. -.-" Whatever. I told ya, I just hate being in school. :/ Tomorrow's a holiday, cause the form 3 students will be sitting for their PMR. When I said tomorrow, it really means today, like.. Approximately about 7 hours to go. I think. -.-" I'm not sure when school will reopen, but the later it is, the happier I am. :D

I'm supposed to go to school later on in the morning today, but no way I'm going to school just for Physics class. I dislike that teacher, and I don't care what people will say about that. >:( Haha. -.-" Besides, I just knew that we have class ytd. :( Ngeh. Whatever.

Currently watching 'Iryu Team Medical Dragon 2'. Finished watching the first season in just a day and a half. :) It's a very interesting JDrama if I may say so. With scenes in where I feel so very nervous to watch, I really jumped around nervous. -.-" I'm not lying. And besides, Koike Teppei is acting in it, which makes me love it even more. :3 Koike Teppei as Ijyuuin! SO CUTE! HAHA!

Okieee. Since I can't sleep, I should get on with it. I mean, my drama. :D See ya!
(And I'm freezing now. My fingers are feeling numb. And I'm shaking like hell. Night times are so cold. T_T)

Let's all do a reminiscence sigh now shall we. :)

2010-10-01T16:28:00.002+08:00

Came across a picture in Facebook (in which my former primary school teacher was tagged in. xD I'm such a stalker! HAHA!), with Mdm Polly in it. Gosh. She still hasn't changed a bit. Although she's teaching in SK Gita No. 2 now, and no longer in old ordinary SK Gita, she still is the same as ever. :)

Let's see.. I've been browsing the SK Gita No. 2 website just now. Some of my old teachers are teacher there now. My PRIMARY SCHOOL teacher I meant. Haha.
Cikgu Halimah, Cikgu Malik, Cikgu Polly, Cikgu Juriah, and so on. I miss Cikgu Halimah the most. She made me love Science when I was in primary school. She was the most sporting teacher I had ever had when I was in primary school. :) I wish to see her again, and who knows, she'll give me that big hug of hers again. :D I really miss her. She converted into Islam, and that's what makes her different to me. She's indeed a religious kind of teacher, but not that, y'know, overboard. Cikgu Halimah was my Science teacher in primary 5 and 6. :D

Cikgu Polly on the other hand was my class teacher from primary 4 till 6. She's the greatest teacher of all. Taught us English. And, psst, here's a secret. She never really taught us anything. HAHA! Seriously. She's a teacher, but she seldom taught us in class at that time. She ended up telling us about her life story and taught us about life's lesson rather than teach us English. She's so great. I miss her, too. She's 52 this year! IMAGINE THAT! :D But she looks young, y'know. I guess, it must've been all those smiles she throw around all those years of being a teacher. I remembered my last year in primary school. 6 Arif. She cried and hugged all of us, and we all cried. Wow! Talk about emotions. HAHA! :')

Cikgu Malik, used to be SK Gita's school counselor and a Maths teacher. He's still a school's counselor, but not in SK Gita, but in SK Gita No. 2. I'm not sure whether he's still teaching Maths or not though. -.-" He didn't taught me Maths in school though, he taught me Maths at my tuition place when I was in primary 6. He was the bomb! The best. And here's another secret.. >:) He always text in class and seldom pay attention to us. HAHA! But we love him so anyway. He made me love Maths more and more too. I still keep in contact with him until now. :D See how great he is? :')

There's more teachers that I love and miss dearly. Cikgu Awang too. :D Haha. He teaches my lil sis now, and after 8 years of not teaching me, he still remembers me! HOW SWEET! :) The thing is, he still remembers that crush I had on him when I was young. -.-" I WAS YOUNG OKAY!? -.-"

Haha. I have no idea why this missing my primary school teachers came to me so abruptly.

Speaking about teachers, seeing all my teachers work makes me feel like as if I, too, want to be a teacher. I'm just saying. I need an opinion about that. :D

Sighhh. I miss them. :)

The thing about this blog is...

2010-09-27T15:23:00.004+08:00

is that no one ever actually reads it. HAHA! It's funny y'know. Yet, I still continue on typing craps and bullshits in it, like as if there's maybe just ONE person who would read it. Wait. Am I making any sense there? HAHA! -.-" I really should stop this blog nonsense. Maybe. Naaahhhh. It's fun la. HAHA! Seriously. Not joking here. No jokes. No kidding.

I HATE GOING TO SCHOOL!
I don't do much studying at school. I study more during tuition. But, I'm not taking any classes this year. Maybe I should go back to Jamek for tuition. I miss Jamek. D: I miss Ustadz Morshidi too. I wonder how is he now.. Goshh. I lost his number. D': Oh well. Maybe I'll drop by at Jamek one day and see him. :)

I have no idea why. I used to love going to school, but now, school feels so lame. -.-" I remember the times when I was still in primary school. I really love going to school. Seriously. In fact, when I got sick during primary school, I was angry, cause I can't attend school. Haha. Good times it was. At that time, I was close (and still is) with Hazi and Hani. Then I came to be close with Zaf, Fizah and Aiman. The weird thing is, Zaf was my classmate ever since primary 4, but we came to know each other during primary 6. Haha. I'm not close with Fizah and Aiman anymore, but that's okay. At least they're happy without me now. As long as I'm happy with Hazi, Hani and Zaf, then I don't care a bit about them. :3

But now.. I guess high school is tougher than I thought. -.-" Oh well. I don't have any form 1 memories at all. :O Shocking but true. I have lots of form 2 memories, mostly bad, but it was an enjoyable year that was. Form 3 wasn't a good year too, but still better than this year. Form 4? Naah. I'm not going to touch on that. :)
I've no idea why I'm typing all this.

I guess I'm just annoyed with all these school thingy bla bla bla. D: And I really need some sleep! T_T Slept at 3.30 am today, and woke up at 5.43 am. REALLY! I really need sleeeppppp. SLEEP. SLEEP. SLEEP! D:

Okiesss. Not gonna do my hw, cause hws are such a drag. Gonna play some games, and I just don't give a fuck about school! :D

PS : PMR is next week. I remember my PMR week. Haha. Good luck to all PMR candidates. Ganbatte! Get over 4A and beat me. :D Yeayyy!

Edit : (8.02pm) I'm so not in the mood to play games or do anything right now. I just want to cry my fucking eyes out and pray for death! AND YES, I'M SERIOUS! GAH! T_T I hate being all mopey and all emo-ish like this. D':

Envious...

2010-09-26T20:15:00.003+08:00

Who's envious you ask? Me. I envy other people. Naah. Let's not get into details now.
Yikessss. I'm all emo again. T_T

Anyway, I read my old blog just now. It brings back memories alright. It brings back all those unwanted feelings, all those pain again, and all those joy as well. It was indeed embarrassing yet somehow makes me smile to myself. :) The thing is... I posted a lot of emo stuff than things that makes me happy -- which seems to be less. -.-" I guess my teenage life is really is a roller coaster life. Filled with ups and downs. I've changed a lot too. Ever since 2008 up until now. Really changed a lot. In my ways of thinking, and in my ways of life. I guess I grew to learn to be a lot better than how I used to be before. Learned to move on too, I guess. Learned to accept differences. Well, just lots of things. But I guess right now, I'm putting aside all those things I had learnt.

You know the things that I laughed out loud when I read back all those posts I had posted in my old blog? It was about last year. Throughout the whole year, I was angry, and somehow sad. But during those times, I enjoyed my life last year. I remembered how shattered and sad I was when one teacher was not there for a few months. I remembered how I used to laugh out loud in class with Zaf and Dyg. I remembered the times when Rifqi and I used to be together. I remembered how I had lots of friends at that time. How things changed now. I smiled to myself about all those memories. Painful yet memorable.

The truth is, I really miss 3KA last year, but 4KB is not a bad class. I rather be in 4KB now than to be in 3KA again. Still, I just miss the moments I had had in 3KA last year. Lots of crises in it, but hell, it was a memory worth remembering.

Right now, life is still on the downside. I'm trying to force myself to chillax and just let it go. Someone told me that I should never make school as an excuse to my personal life. She also told me lots of things, okay? But, I don't know. Right now, I just can't put anything into words. I'm telling my friends to chillax from their problems, while I, myself, am not chillax-ing about my own problems. That's just rude, if I may say so. Feeling pain is all part of life, that I understand. Like what she had told me, I really just should shake it all off and make myself happy.. If only it's that easy. Sigh.

Okay. I'm really getting all emo-ish again. Blarghhh. I hate feeling emo-ishhh. Ngeh. I guess I'll be fine later.

Okayyyy. Let's all not go into tears now, shall we?
I really should stop typing posts about how suckish life had been for me. I should really type posts about the things I should be happy of in life.

Okayy. GTG! BYE!

gahh

2010-09-25T22:41:00.002+08:00

Gahhh. This webcam is so fucked up. This is why I hate using that Logitech webcam. It's shitty as hell! Fuck fuck fuckkkkk!!! I want to use my own webcam, but I guess that won't be easy. I lost the program. Fuckkk. And I really hate using my own computer outside there. OUTSIDE THERE. -.-"

Gahhh. Or better yet, gimme a laptop. :3 HAHAHA! -.-" Keep on dreaming, Mar. -.-"

Anyway.. Settled everything about the previous post. Naah. Nvm. What had been done, cannot be undone. And now I'm webcamming with Tini, and I envy her for her webcam. HAHA! That is all. I hate school. Lemme try to find up a way to skip school again this Monday. Woot!

the thing is...

2010-09-24T19:56:00.003+08:00

-.-" I have no idea why, but the thing is...
I'm not talking about anyone here, it's just that... Sometimes we have to speak directly to the person if you're confused about lots of things. I'm not being a hypocrite here..

Erkk. Let me put it this way...
Mungkin memang apa yg ku pdh ria mmg out of hand bunyinya, but it does not mean yg aku klaka hal kau. sorry lah. ada juak org yg hampey sama life an kau.. sorry la if kau terasa, but it was not meant for you at all. maybe apa yg ku type ria ada tercampur adok dgn apa yg ku ingin lepaskan ria, cause that's just me.. I always do stuff like that cause sometimes my anger just gets the better of me. :/
It's not that I hate you or anything.. It's just that.. Well, I'll explain to you, if you would just ask properly, rather than to write stuff out without x tauk apa2 kes. Sorry lah, ok. Aku x sure la if the things you had typed about are the things about what I had typed about ages ago.. But, either way, I'm still sorry laaa. Aku xmok jadi kedak what had happened. Aku tauk, and sedar yg aku tok kadang2 ada pangey yang kurang disuka, but I'm trying to improve myself of that hal.

Look, the thing is...
I'm having a difficult time to analyse my own feelings towards everything. I get angry about anything easily, and I sometimes say stuff that is not really what I wanted to say. If you had known me a good well long time, you should've known and understand about my behaviour. I'm like a self-destruct machine, y'know.. I tend to destroy myself to destroy others, or others may push the button to destroy me, or it is me myself who pushes the button to destroy myself. It all depends on me. I understand that I am not the kind of friend that parents usually like, cause I give a bad first impression, that I understand very well. Even my own family dislike me cause I give them a bad impression. Look, x semestinya semua yg ku pdh is about you, I mean, I have other people in life too. If kau terasa mena2 gilak, then sorry. I'll tell you the truth later on, IF kau tanyak. I'll tell you, with sincerity I will tell you.

So, please la ok. Yg taun lepas xda kaitan terus. In fact, jgn terambik hati laaa. Kau mok ku madah antap2 rah sitok apa kes nya? Then I will. Aku maok njaga friendship kita, okay? Aku xmok plh salah gk dlm friendship kita. Aku xda benda yg x di puas aku. Tp mmg kdg2, sbg manusia, mmg wajar la kita ada perasaan x suka towards someone, and aku tauk ya ada berlaku kat kau juak. So please lah ok. I understand life's concept and human behaviour very well, and I know you well enough that kau jenis yg cepat marah and terasa, but do note that, aku mmg xda klaka hal kau. IN FACT! Ku mok padah tok, I'll tell the whole world, all the things yg aku pdh ria is about my own feelings towards someone I had known my entire life. For 16 years, I've known them, and now I can't bear them
But seriously, this is not about any one of my friends. I wish not to be a hypocrite, cause I know how it feels like to be friends with hypocrites, and I don't want people to feel that feelings of being back-stabbed. It may be hard for people to fully understand all that I had say, but you'll understand my words, maybe not now, but someday.

Again, I'm sorry cause aku x honest ttg byk prkara lately, it's just that I wish not to libat ktk org gk lam hal peribadi aku for some time. I may rant about stuff to you, tp aku x pdh prkembangan barunya kat ktk org. I know I'm exaggerating about lots of things lately, mmg aku mengada2, melbeh2... But that's just my feelings, emotions. I love my friends, more than I love my family, truth be told. I don't care if people say I shouldn't say that, because this is the true me. And it is up to people to judge me for themselves. I know my weaknesses. I'm higly sensitive and easily shattered, but I'm trying to not be so anymore. I just hope you don't get it the wrong way.

Let's just settle this, and aku mok kau jgn terambik hati apa2 ttg apa yg ku pdh. Cause truth be told, I never type anything bad about my friends anywhere, I only type bad things about my enemies, and you're not my enemy. A friend is a friend. We have a rollercoaster style life, and so is our friendship. Do note that.

sick sick sickkkk

2010-09-24T14:30:00.002+08:00

fuckkkkk. I hate taking my meds. It's like... BLARGHHH! -.-" Gahhh.
And today was like... Fuckkkkkkkkk....
I have to freaking go to school, feeling sick, and hating every single motherfucking second of it. Fuckkkkk!!!!

Seriously, why did I go to school today!? D:
It's not like anything bad happened at school today. School was fine, but suckish in a way that I just could not explain. Gah. I fucking hate going to school. :(

And I'm like, so not in the mood to study anything. Fuck. I hate life, and life hates me. :|

Gahhhh. Gonna go listen to MCR, GD, A7x, Papa Roach, P!ATD and etc and then glare at the damn freaking wall.

I'm exaggerating lots of things right now, but hell, I DON'T CARE! I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE AND DIEEEEE. -.-" Whatever. I don't care. I don't care. I REALLY DON'T GIVE A FUCKING HELL OF A MOTHERFUCKING DAMN AT ALL! Pfft.

It turned out the other way round.

2010-09-22T17:42:00.002+08:00

Great! Just pure great! Being sick during times I thought I would never get sick. This is just pure bullshit. Oh well. Ngeh. It's a good thing, though, too. Went to school for only a few hours and then went home after break time. It was PURE AWESOME!!!

Exaggerating muchhhh. Who cares? I just don't want to be in school. But believe me, being ill is so not fun. :( It makes limits in lots of things. D: Ngehhh. -.-" I hate myself because of what happened today. Not gonna discuss about it, but I just feel angry towards myself now though. :( Oh well. What is done cannot be undone.

I'm sorry though everyone, for today. :| And now, I'm not even sure whether I would be going to school tomorrow or not. Let's just pray that I won't be going to school!!! Then I'll be happy as hell! :D
I know I shouldn't be saying that, but that's what happens if you hate something so bad, you would do anything to not be there, or to not even think about it. =.="

I'm not making lots of sense here now, aren't I? Ngeh. I don't care. I hate being in school, and that's that. :| I just want to be aloneeeee and be miserable. -.-" Speaking of being miserable, I have a terrible headache. -.-" The fuck with all these stupid sickness that's been going on. Ehhh. ~~Pray that I'll die or be hospitalized... -.-" weird muchh.~~ Ignore that! COMPLETELY!

Okayyy. Gonna go drown myself with Papa Roach's video, and pray that I'll survive another minute of life's torture. Goodbye now.

Well...

2010-09-20T11:51:00.002+08:00

The thing is right now, what do I really want?

Hello retards! I'm not in school, cause I just fucking hate being in school, especially during times like this. What do I mean by times like this you ask? Well, that's for me to be concern of and for you to just fuck off. I'm glad that I'm not in school right now. Happy. Joy. Thrilled. And all those FERICIREA. I'm not lying about that.

I don't care what you were to say of me. I just don't care anymore.
Let's see... If I were to be in school now, it would be English period now. Ooohhh. Like anyone will notice my absence anyway, so big wolf. Let's just hope that I don't have to go to school tomorrow, and then I'll be happy as ever! I love Wednesday and Friday though, so let's just pray (me that is, not you. cause I know people will never pray anything for me) that I can get away with all this. Bah.. I just hate school!

To me... No one would really care if I don't come to school anyway. Bha. They don't really care if I were to die right now... But, that gives me joy. It's hard to explain.

And I'm crapping up this blog again. Pfft!

This house feels so quiet. Abang's not home. Adek is like... -.-" I have no idea what that girl is doing. But.. I don't care. As long as I'm not in school! :D

Let's see....

2010-09-19T21:56:00.002+08:00

I won't be attending school tomorrow. YAYYYY! SO HAPPY! PURE JOY ALAS! Haha.
Why and how can I not go to school tomorrow is my own secret. :P
Ngeh.
Anyway...
Y'know what happened yesterday? HAHA! -.-" I broke my brother's scooter's side mirror. -.-" And flattened a car's tyre yesterday, but it was hell damn funny. Amirul and I laughed our asses off yesterday. xD But, I'm not bringing Amirul anywhere near any motorcycle anymore. HAHA.

Anyway.. Let's not talk about that anymore. It was embarrassing and full of crap.. I mean, the things that happened after that. Gah.

Right now, my left knee hurts, and my head hurts like hell. I have a terrible headache right now, but I'm not going to sleep. Hell no. :3 Gonna go play Pet Forest till I get lv 30. >=D Gonna make a new char. 4 chars. hahaha.
Ngehh. I'm just thrilled that I won't be going to school tomorrow. Probably will only go to school on Wednesday and Friday. PROBABLY. Not that sure, but let's just hope I can get away with that plan! :D

Okieeee. Gonna go kill myself. Pfft. I mean, play some games. :P See ya!

Just like what Niles said...

2010-09-17T19:45:00.002+08:00

Just like what Niles said in Frasier, in the episode 'The Maris Counselor', my feelings now would be his phrase...
'Now.... I just want. To. DIEEEE!!! *sobs*...'

Gahh.
Anyway.. School today was, well, I still love 2008's Ramah Tamah Aidilfitri, but this year's Ramah Tamah Aidilfitri will do. Not many came to school today, and that's one of the reasons why this year's event is not that festive, but anywho, it was still enjoyable. :) 4KB wasn't great though, haha, everyone admit about that fact. And in the end, I went class-to-class and not help in anything with Qin and Zaf. =_=" What? You expect me to stay in my class and be bored? -.-"
Stayed a long time at 4B1, and then those 1KA girls dragged me into their class. That what happens if the form 1 knows you. -_-" Took pictures and walk walk walk walk walk walk. -.-" There's nothing much to do, y'know. :/
There's nothing to talk about today's event too. It's pleasant but boring in a way that I just could not explain. :/

And lemme tell you this now..
I'm really pissed off and disappointed in lots of things right now. And yes! I haven't got any good sleep for the past 2 months now, and now I'm really cranky and annoyed at the slightest thing that's being thrown at me. Pfft.

'Now... I just want. To. DIEEEEE! *Sobs*...!'
- Niles Crane, Frasier 'The Maris Counselor'

And yes, that's what I'm feeling right now. Just fuck off. I fucking hate humans and their stupidity, and yes, that includes myself. Don't get it wrong, I'm just tired about everything. Sick and tired. SICK AND TIRED! GET IT!?

I hate going to school. I hate it. I fucking hate going to school. School used to be the place where I would be happy with my friends, but now school turned out to be the place where my anger is triggered every second. Fuck fuck fuck! I'd rather stay at home 'till SPM than to go to school. I'm not joking about that -- AT ALL! Grrrr. Everything changed too much and now I ~~hate~~ ~~loathe~~ ~~dislike~~ don't like people that much. In fact, I just want to be alone. Forever alone, that will be. :/ Judge me about all this, I just don't care! I just had enough of everything right now!

NOWW I JUST WANT TO DIE! DIE DIE DIE!

Fed up ku!

2010-09-16T00:15:00.002+08:00

I'm not going to type in English now, cause I'm really pissed off!

BODO EH! Aku tok x da perasaan ka!? Ada kawan, tp rasa macam xda kawan! Gus ku idup kedirik! Ney x sial gk suma tok!?
Ko madah aku, yg kau tok njaga ati ku.. Ko madah aku, ko bencik org yg x njaga ati kau. Tp ko prnh tauk x yg kau kedirik yg nyakit ati org!?
Ehh, please lah ok!? Sedar sikit. Aku dah lamak sabar eh, but this is the last straw!
Aku biar jak ktk org padah apa ktk org maok, apa2 jak ktk org blh plh rah aku, aku biar jak. Tp ku dah x tahan gk an pangey ktk org tok!
Aku tauk, aku tok x perfect juak. Tp ku try sedaya upaya aku ngenang ati ktk org. In fact, aku biar jak ktk org kadang2 tinggal aku sorang2. Aku biar jak ktk org melayan sama dirik. Aku biar jak ktk org nyelak, nyindey aku. Aku biar jak segala2 nya.
Aku tauk aku tok miak mbak sial. Mbak bala. Mak bapak tak urg x suka an aku juak. Sedar ku. Tp ria ktk org pdh ktk org x kesah, tp sekali ngga tek, ktk org kdak parents tak org juak. Depan2 bait, blkg jaik. Sial mena!
Ko ingat ku tok patong ka yg dpt di main gia!?
I may be gullible, but I'm not stupid!
Sial! Tension ku ngenang ktk org. Aku pk aku da plh salah ka apa, tp ng antap gilak tak org dah buang aku dr circle tak org. FINE! Org dah ada org baru, ney ndak nya nak!? Aku tok tek, pembencik social - social stuff tek nakkk? Bagus lahh.
Aku x kesah pun! x mati aku misal ktk org xda!
X guna juak ku ngenang ktk org eh. Nyeksa dirik ku dikpun jak.

Gahhhh! Sakit ati ku ng x terkata gk.
I FUCKING HATE LIFE! AND I FUCKING HATE MYSELF IF THAT MATTERS!
Which, aku tauk, aku x di lalek sapa2. Sial! bodo! gahhh! LEAVE ME ALONE AND LEMME DIE ALONE THEN, gahhhh!!!! aidsohsapudohqwheasudhasioj!

Aku tension gila babi eh! bukan setakat ngenang tok, hal lain gk. sial. gus ku mati! bodo!

Eid!

2010-09-15T16:43:00.002+08:00

Oh my goshhhhhh. I didn't update my blog. I thought I had updated my blog, but I didn't. Haha. Silly me.

Anyway,
Happy Eid-ul-Fitri to all Muslims. :)
I guess Eid is not that bad, but it's kinda weird having to celebrate Eid without my uncle though. Life has to move on though, so yeah, I just have to accept the fact that he's gone.

The first day of Eid was the most teary day I had ever had. Went to my uncle's grave in the evening. It's funny you know, if you come to think of it. He used to be the first one who visits us, and now it's our turn to visit him... I miss him. Abang wanted to see his grave too, so yeah.. Sigh. There were lots of people there at that time.

News I heard a day before Eid was, a 17 year-old girl passed away due to brain tumor. Yasmine Ghazali was her name if I'm not mistaken. Condolences to her family and friends. She was indeed loved, as of what I heard.

Anyway, the first day of Eid, like I said before, it was indeed teary. Heard some unpleasant news and without my uncle.. Well, let's just say it was saddening.

Let's not talk about that anymore.

BTW! School started last Monday, but I didn't come on Monday, I came to school yesterday, not because I want to. I came cause of Beb. There were only 9 people who attended school in my class. 3 girls, and the rest are boys. No prefects at all. haha. It was fun though, but I must say I feel pissed off. -.-"
The number increased today though, increased by 5.. I think. I don't give a damn. Today was not a good day, but I got through it anyhow. And oh, Rifqi came today. :) I miss him so. Haha. He didn't stay for long though. Oh well.

No school tomorrow! YEAY! I ~~hate~~ ~~loathe~~ dislike school. End of story. Being at school just pisses me off, especially if something had happened, which to tell you the truth, happens every single fucking day of my fucking hell of a life, in which pisses me off terribly, and makes me piss off at everybody, which I always do, cause of those stupid fuck that had happened cause some fucking people (not all) just love to create such fucked up bitches move and just pisses me off. And yes, I say 'Fuck' a lot, cause that's how I roll. haha. I don't even understand half the things I say, but fuck off, it's my blog. I'm free to express anything here, except I don't express much, cause I know the limit.
Back to the main point. School is like the last place on Earth I want to stay in. I know I'm exaggerating but hell fuck, I don't give a fucking hell of a damn! Gah. Fuck.

But I love school events though. -.-" Weird huh? I know! There's going to be a Ramah-Tamah Aidilfitri at school this Friday, and let's just pray that my friends are going, cause if not, then I'll be lonely as hell. And I hate being lonely. :( Sigh.
Ngeh.

Oh, I forgot to mention! I went out last Monday with my best buds! Hazi, Zul, Tini and Mirul. Eh, no. Mirul didn't went out with us, but we went to his house, and it was awesome! It's been awhile since I hanged out with Zul and Mirul together, and last Monday was a complete treat for me! Joy joy joy! :D Going to upload the pictures later, once I can get hold of my brother's computer and use Photoshop. I'm using my own computer now, and I just freaking hate it. -.-" It keeps fucking up problems and giving me uncountable headaches. -_-" Went out the whole day with Zul, Hazi and Tini, along with Tini's F3 sis, and my lil sis. It was fun. Went to Tini's house, then Mirul's house, Fizah's house, Ummu's house.. And I can't rmb anymore. -.-" I had never felt so happy at that time! I miss being that happy. :( And now I'm all gloomy and dull again. Boo hoo for you, Mar.

Okie! I'm exhausted. Hadn't been able to get a good night's sleep lately. Let's just say it has been almost 2 months being like that, and I'm becoming cranky and easily pissed off now, and THAT'S BAD. Really bad. -_-" I'm not going to sleep now. Gonna go watch Frasier again. I just LOVE Frasier. :D I love Niles aka David Hyde Pierce. To me, he's a great comedian slash actor! :D Superb adorable, even though he's kinda old. -.-" Frasier is like an old sitcom, but still tickles your funny bone. It makes me forget my worries.

Wow. I sound old. -.-" Oh well.
See ya blog. I ~~hate~~ ~~loathe~~ dislike school ~~and life and myself too if that matters!~~ =_______="

Eid is just around the corner

2010-09-06T22:07:00.002+08:00

Eid is just around the corner. I'm not in my festive mood that much this year. I'm still in grief, I guess. Kübel smth2 states that there are 5 stages in grief.
1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargain
4) Depression
5) Acceptance.
I'm in what stage? Still in depression stage I guess. HAHA.

Anyway, no school for a week. THAT'S STUPID! Other school has 2 weeks off. Fuck this. -_-"

Andddd, I've been feeling terribly terribly terribly down in these two weeks, but hey, that's what I am. The stupid idiotic student who gets depressed every day. Fuck that,

Anyway, am off to play Pet Forest. Amirul asked me to lv up till lvl 18 so that I can help him in a quest tmrw. See ya Blog.

Exam ooohhh exam.

2010-08-26T22:24:00.002+08:00

I think I did terrible for my Malay paper. I think I didn't do well for my English paper too. =_=" As for Modern Maths? Let's not talk about it.
Haish. Exam is pressuring. Add maths paper today was horrible, yet a fun period to be in. :3 I love 4KB. :)

Ngeh. Tomorrow's paper : Sivic. Goshh. -.-" I didn't attend Sivic for like, 3 months? 4 months? I have no idea! HAHA! -.-" I hate Sivic class. BOOO! I rather stay back for English, or Biology rather than Sivic. :/

And I feeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllll miserable. =_=" Eid is just around the corner. Let's just say that I'm not in my festive mood this year.

Okie. Gotta go. Gonna go drink, and then off to bed. :3

Kat-Tun... I love Kat-Tun.
K - Kamenashi Kazuya
A - Akanishi Jin
T - Taguchi Junnosuke
T - Tanaka Koki
U - Ueda Tatsuya
N - Nakamaru Yuichi

:3 They're so cuteeeeeee! Pity Jin left Kat-Tun. Oh well. I still love you, Jin! :3
Heeeee~

Nights blog. You're a worthless piece of shit, dear blog. -.-"

Next week.

2010-08-18T16:19:00.002+08:00

EXAM'S NEXT WEEK AND I'M NOT EVEN FUCKING PREPARED! =_="
Grrrr. Need to pass my Sejarah exam and Add Maths. And oh, Physics too. Haishh. Biology too btw. Gosh. Fuck exams. :/

I'm gonna go offline and bang my head against a wall and then stare at the wall and then die of blood loss. WAIT! That's not right. HAHA! I'm feeling nuts today. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggghhh! =_="

Gah. Gonna go offline and well... I have no idea what to do after that. -.-" SEE YA MY USELESS LIFELESS ISOLATED DESPICABLE ANNOYING IRRITATING BLABLABLA BLOG. -_-" I'm feeling nuts. HAHA! Well, my emotions are all jumbled up lately. I think I should be making poems again to get rid of all these stressssssssssss. Naaahhh. I lost my talent. HAHA.
Anyway, goodbye now.

The fuck with all this shit???!!!

2010-08-17T15:10:00.002+08:00

HELLO MY SWEET EMPTY LIFELESS BLOG. -__-"

It's Tuesday today... And I'm pissed off. -_-" I'm so hating this that those these bla bla bla. JUST WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ALL THIS MOTHERFUCKING SHITS? Seriously. saoidjoashasdiopwqjrpoiasiefih[o[dajfipjfpoidsja. I should just go dieeeeeeee and that'll please everyone. PFFT! =_="

Exam's next week and I'm soooooooooooo not ready! Gahhh. FFFFFFFUUUUU.
After exam.. Eid. I don't feel like celebrating Eid this year. It would be terribly terrible. Terrible terrible terrible. -.-" But at least Rifqi's coming over. :3

Gah. I'm so hating all thissssssssssss...
asopdajwpoiejapsjdpjdjpaspjpjipihgpiqeriph. -_-"
It's 34 days now. I still miss Usu. Sigh. I miss him terribly terribly terribly much. And all that is happening right now is so not soothing. Fuck.

OMG! Gonna go offline now, and bang my head on the wall. Fuck everything. And oh, I deactivated my Fb. Am wondering if I should delete my Twitter and Tumblr, and this blog?

PHYSICS!!!!!!

2010-08-12T22:58:00.000+08:00

Before that...
Happy Ramadhan to all Muslims. :) May this month be a month where, well... I don't know how to put in words. HAHA!

Okay. Back to the point!
Currently doing my Physics presentation using Powerpoint! IN WHICH! I never used before, and this is taking time. I MEAN IT! A LOT! Haiya.
Doing Pascal's principle. It's a good thing Pascal's principle is not THAT hard, but it's still not close to EASY! =_=" I really dislike Physics. ):
And my legs still hurtttttttttttttt! aiosjdosiudha! Can this be any more torturing!? I STILL HAVEN'T FINISH THIS FUCKING PRESENTATION AND I'M GOING MAD! =_="

Okay. See ya.

Covalent bond!

2010-08-06T20:06:00.002+08:00

Haha. Ignore that Covalent bond as the title. I just love Chemistry. :)

Anyway. Just thought of updating this blog about the dramas I had watched recently, or a movie or just whatnot.

Ngeh. I just finished watching 'Yuuki' the other day. Watched it due to its interesting plot and also due to KAMENASHI KAZUYA acting in it. :D Kame is so cute!! In 'Yuuki', Kame was Yuuki, the main actor I could say so. He could play that part so GOOD! :)

'Yuuki' is a great movie. Cried during the movie cause it was just sad yet happy. A mixture of both. Inspirational too, if I may say so myself. Ngehhh. And the feelings, the emotions, the meaning of the movie is very very deep and touching. EIHHH! It's just a wonderful movie okay? Just like '1 Litre of Tears'. :')

Am currently watching 'Around 40'. It's a wonderful drama, about a 39 year old PSYCHIATRIST, take note about that, who wishes to marry and have kids. Ehh. Smth like that la. But seriously, it's worth watching. :) Besides, Fujiki Naohito is acting! NGEEEEEEEE! SO KAWAIII! HAHAHAH! =_=" I really should stop being overly joyed about the littlest thing. -.-"

Just by watching 'Around 40', it made me want to be a PSYCHIATRIST more and more. *3* Must. Be. One!

-------------

Reality talk now.
Today sucks like hell. -.-" Holiday, but it sucks. Not that I want to go to school or anything. It just sucks okay? And I didn't went to usu's house last night, cause I could hardly walk! What is wrong with you, you stupid legs!? =_=" At least they're feeling better. But my feelings are not. I wanted to go last night, but what to do ler? =_=" Haiya. Now I'm home alone, and waiting for this drama to load. D: I'm bored. I'm pissed off if that matters anyway. -.-" Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Okay. Gonna go stuff my face with some food now. Jana!

20th day.

2010-08-05T15:49:00.002+08:00

Marikh (My sport's team) got last. -.-" We lost to Musytari. ): Oh well. At least we got high team spirit! :D But I have a sport's grudge on Musytari now! GRRRR! Zuhrah got first. Musytari got second, Neptun got third. -_-" Marikh fourth. Haishhh. It was embarassing tooooooo!!!! =_="

The tug-o-war today was fun! haha. :) Neptun won for the boy's part, while Zuhrah won for the girl's part. It was fun to watch. :) But it was bright out at that time, so I couldn't see much. Screw my eyesight. -_-"

And my legs are aching like hell! =__________="
I can't move them much for fear that I might go over the limit and hurt them even more. -_-" Grrrr. Sunburn sunburn sunburn tooo, were from yesterday. -.-"

Ehhhh. My back hurts. HAHA! Okay. I'm not an active person. HAHA!

and you know what? Today's the 20th day of my uncle's death. Gonna go to makan 20 tonight. Sighhh. I still miss him terribly. That's the truth. But who wouldn't miss someone who had left you and you will never see him ever again right? 20 days without you usu. Eventhough you're no longer here, but your memories will always stay with me. I may have cried for some days due to your absence in life now, but I smile at the memories you were able to give us. I know I shouldn't still be grieving over your death, but that's just me. It's hard for me to accept one's loss, cause I've been having some other kind of loss around this year. But I'll get through it one day. That I promise you. Usu, you will always be my favourite uncle, and we will always love you and miss you. I'll fight through my pain just like how you had tried to fight through your pain when you were still alive. I miss you, usu.

Okayyy. I'm getting all mopey and teary about that. Let's just say that I really think of my uncle as a great uncle okay? :) I never show anything to anyone, but that's the truth about my feelings.

And now I must be off and rest, cause I think my back will crack in just mere moments now. HAHA! I feel old. -.-" Jana! :)

Sport's day. :)

2010-08-04T19:52:00.002+08:00

YO! Sport's day was today. Held at the stadium. No clue what's the name, but I don't care. HAHA! I'm the pembantu padang for long jump, and boy, it was exhausting. -.-" Seriously! Worked hard from the moment we arrived there till 12 or was it 1 like that. -.-" I was the 'measuring' girl. Grrrr. Measured the length of the jumpers, and boy, crouching down too much hurts like hell. Plus, it was terribly hot today, and I really mean it. Sweated quite a whole lot. -.-" My skin is now dark. HAHA. -.-"
But it was fun, somehow. :) It's just that, the heat got through my head and that made me feel a lil bit tense in doing my job. -.-" It was friggin hot and we didn't get to sit even for just a moment. Actually, we were only given the chance to sit when Cikgu Salbi and the other teachers were preparing the jumpers. -.-" Even so, it was tiring. Haishh. The longest jump was made by the boys in the A category, 5.51m. =_=" The sand got into my shoes and my skin felt like as if I just played sand on the beach after we finished. -.-" What the eff. =_="

After working, I went to hang out with Zaf and Dayang. :) It was terribly fun! HAHA! FUN FUN FUN! :) Watched people running, screaming and just enjoying the day was quite a pleasant sight for me. :) It made me worry-less. :D It was an enjoyable day! :)

But I pitied what had happened to Yasmin during her event. :( Sorry to you for what happened, Yas. Hope you're feeling better now. :) You did try, and that's all that matters. :D

All in all, today was just awesome. :)

And now, my back hurts, my head hurts due to the heat, my eyes hurt.. MY BODY JUST ACHES TERRIBLY! But I'm happy today. :) Okayyyy. Gonna go and rest.

PS : We arrived at school at 6.20pm, and I arrived home, 6.40pm. -.-" Walking back home with sore feet is not good. -.-"

Ngehh

2010-07-29T22:11:00.002+08:00

I'm currently bored!!! Bored bored bored. :/
No one's online to chat. No one is texting me. :/ I'm bored. And lonely. -.-"
Currently searching for infos for EST. Damn. I am so lazy to go searching for EST thingys. -.-"

And btw btw btw!!
KAT-TUN is great! :D I love them them them them to bits! haha. Kamenashi Kazuya, Akanishi Jin and Ueda Tatsuya are SUPERB KAWAII! :)))) Ngeh.

And to tell you the truth. I suck. -.-"
Literally speaking. I suck in everything. -.-" I should just stop my existence.. Ngehh. No way. :)

I'm sad. Sad sad sad. Terribly sad. But I smile. Smile smile smile.
And I just noticed smth. -.-" I keep repeating stuff. Repeat repeat repeat. What the fuck is going on with me? :O

THIS HAPPENS WHEN I'M BORED!!

Oooohhh. I did terrible for my Malay's ULBS yesterday. -.-" I'm so not good in talking in front. :/ I wonder what'll happen during my English's ULBS next week? :O I'm scared to bits about ULBS. -.-"

And now. I'm gonna go watch more YouTube and die cause of boredom. -.-" Nights!

16 July 2010.

2010-07-20T15:54:00.002+08:00

16 July 2010. 10.45 PM.
The doctor announced his death. Who, you may ask?
My uncle. My usu. He died last Friday, and you know what? I still can't get over his death. Well, it's hard sometimes. Losing someone you love. Sigh.

I guess losing someone hurts a lot. I am sorry for my two cousins, Syafiq and Syafiqah, since they lost their father. I feel their loss. I'm still sad. It had been 4 days now. 4 days since he died. My tears are still wet, and I could've sworn I wept tears of blood. -.-" I'M EXAGGERATING! I know that.. But that's what you get when life gives you hell most of the time.

ARGH! I'm confused. :( I'm losing my mind even. I hate 2008. :| Goodbye.

Rest in peace, usu. You will be missed. Terribly. We will all love you for eternity.

-.-"

2010-07-12T21:10:00.003+08:00

:/ I'm not going to touch this blog for the time being (this time excluded).
I have no idea why I'm so very very very very down today. Not only just today. For the past few.... Nvm. You don't care anyway.

Sighhhhh. I'm still sick though. -.-" Went to school today with a terrible sore throat and a very very hoarse voice was that terrible, since everyone keep making fun of my voice today. -.-" That includes ....... Eihhhhh.. I'm being secretive. HELL YEAH I AM! =.=" Let's just leave it that way. SOME people just pissed me off....

Eeee! I have no voice now! =.=" Please pray that my voice will eventually come back tmrw. :/ And now I'm off to cry my eyes out and do my Chemistry. :'(

DSLR!!

2010-07-11T13:32:00.002+08:00

Eeeeeeeee! I crave for my own DSLR tooooo. D: But they're so darn expensive! :O
Saving time. :DD I'll be getting my own lappie after SPM, so that's not a prob. HAHA!
I'm weird when it comes to all this. -.-" Seriously weird. Oh well.

AND I'M STILL DAMN SICK! I REALLY HATE TAKING MEDS! DAMN DAMN DAMN. How I wish I don't have to go to school tomorrow. D:

Okayyyyy. FINISHING MY SEJARAH NOTES while studying Physics + Biology. :D (Like as if I can focus all those 3, in which I could, but I guess it won't happen since this computer is already on. Wait? Am I making any sense there? :O )

oh em gee.

2010-07-10T19:52:00.004+08:00

The last time I got terribly sick like this was in 2008. -.-" Screwwwww. I fucking hate fever. I fucking hate it! And currently, I'm home alone with my lil sis. -.-"
But somehow, being sick made me a lil bit happy cause..... I don't have to attend school. Yuppos. I didn't attend 2 days of school last week. Was terribly terribly sickkkkkk..

And this may be a lil bit late, but..

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TO MY SWEETEST AND THE MOST LOVABLE BEST FRIEND IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!!

ZAFIRAH !! HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! haha. ;) Don't stop being youuuuuu. :DD

Never knew that I could be her best friend, tho. 2008 made us what we are now, but let's not go into details now, shall we? Anywho... I love youuuuuu bestie. :D

Okay.. I'm gonna go and stuff my face with fooddddd and then die of misery cause I hate being sick like this. -.-" AND the doctor gave me too many meds. I hate taking antibiotics. Grrrr. If only I have a flamethrower....

See ya!

PS : And btw... I'm so gonna change this blog's layout later on. Gonna go make a header in photoshop, and search for codes later. :D Besides, no one actually reads this blog anyway. HAHA! So I might as well please myself with it. -.-"

Boohoooo.

2010-07-03T14:15:00.002+08:00

Wooshh. It's been awhile since I opened this blog. :O
Let's get going with the updates.

My exam results are... -.-" I have 2A- and 3G. English and EST are A- and the 3G's are Physics, add maths and Biology. Haha. The shocking bit of this news is...
In my class, there's only 2 people who passed their Biology, and their marks are still E -- I think. The highest mark for Biology is 44. -.-" okayyyy. 4KB's results aren't good. Let's get over it. -.-" Only Yasmin has no G. Grrr. I envy youuuu! D:
At least I got number 8 throughout the class, and highest for EST! YAYYYY! hahaha. Paying attention during EST is worth it I guess. =.="

Hari Koperasi Sekolah (HKS) was yesterday. It was fun, since I got to hang out with my BFF and my other friends. :))) It's a pity there's no more Amirul in STAR, then everything would've been perfect. Either way, it was fun. I spent all my money yesterday, and that's bad for me!! D: I need those money, but oh well. =.=" Didn't attend Malam Kebudayaan dan Kesenian last night, since I'm lazy and I don't have anyone to go with. I do, actually, but I'm so not going to an event which involves watching and clapping so much. -.-" Erghh. You'll get the point~

I'm so terribly bored right now! My Tumblr is messed up. I have no idea on how to fix that fucked up Tumblr of mine. -.-" Btw, I got through 28th June and 30th June fine, with some minor heartache, I got through all those fine. >_< My English reeks. -.-" I'm still pissed off at what had happened two weeks ago. Mannn.

AND YES! I'M FUCKING BORED RIGHT NOW! =.=" See ya! D:

Reunion

2010-06-11T15:01:00.002+08:00

I went to a reunion ytd. Well, it was terrific. Had tremendous lots of fun.

Holidays are okay.

oh yeah. kakak already went back to Aussie last Tuesday.

And now, I have nothing to do.

Words can hurt people. Will you just stop saying stuff that can hurt people, cause org boleh terasa. If you're saying stuff about me, then why not berterus terang? Sik susah bha. If you're not saying that just to hurt me, then say it true la. Look. I have feelings. You have feelings too. People come and go. People change. They never stay the same. People grow up, and learn. I have a lil lot of friends, and I'm thankful that I have friends. But sometimes, people misjudge me. I don't mind that. I still accept them as my friend. Unless mun dah cdak ya nyakit ati ku mena glak. But still, after that, I don't care about them anymore. How the hell am I going to understand you if you don't want to tell me what to be understood about? Nvm. To hell with all this. Sorry then. If you want me out from your life, just say the word, and I'll be glad to.

Dorama?

2010-06-03T15:42:00.002+08:00

I'm currently downloading 1 Litre Of Tears using Youtube Downloader. :/ Well, it's worth it. hehe. I'm so in love with that Dorama, that I never got tired watching it. Just like Alice In The Wonderland. :D Haha.

I'm so bored during this hols. :/ =.="
I might as well just study and do my homeworks, at least that has benefits. :/ Rather than me sitting, facing the comp all day, without doing anything. -.-" Ughhh.

Okay. Toodles. :/

The thing is..

2010-05-30T19:57:00.002+08:00

Haishh. Kakak's flight is delayed tonight. :/ =.="

Anyway.. I'm bored now. And y'know what? I kept on and on hearing child abuse songs, and I don't know why. -.-" I watched a drama last night called '21 Hari' which, in English is '21 Days'. It's about a girl, Adilla, who was kidnapped by this woman, who lost her child 3 years back. She brought Adilla home, and her 'boyfriend', the father of her dead child, angered her for bringing a kid home instead of looking for a job. Adilla was then forced by the woman to change the name Adilla to Siti, since Siti is the name of her dead child. The couple forced Adilla to beg for money from people. The guy, usually hits Adilla. The woman too hit Adilla when Adilla does not listen. The guy once wants to rape Adilla, but failed after the woman came.
Well, Adilla's parents life changed terribly after Adilla was kidnapped. Adilla's mom began to be delusional, but never lose hope in finding Adilla. Adilla's father was also on the edge. After 21 days Adilla had been lost, she was found by.. Actually, I can't remember who found her. When Adilla's parents went to Adilla, Adilla was so traumatized, that she can't even accept the fact that she IS Adilla, and not Siti. The story ends like that.

After watching that show, I began to think. Why would anyone hurt a child? Why would anyone do such things to a child? To abuse a child physically is terrible enough, but abusing a child psychologically? That is just terrible. Like Adilla's story, it is clear that adults can be very vile to children. Adilla had lost her sense of living, her sense of knowing. Omg. I am really pissed off with this abused thingy eversince I listened to 'Alyssa Lies' and after watching that show last night. -.-"

Beware to all Abusers. If I can get my hands on you, I'll kill you.

----------------

Anyway.. Back to my post.
I am currently bored. So yeah, I thought of posting. -.-" In this 3 weeks of holiday, I needa do one thing. I needa make an entry in my Diary about one thing. About what I really feel. About everything. Well, who knows. Maybe God will take my life tomorrow, or the day after. Or maybe after this. No one knows.

It's just that. I have this problem about lots of things. There are lots of things I want to talk about to someone, but I can't, since I don't even know who's that someone is, and besides, I can't even begin to talk about it. :/
Like Ibu for instance.. I wanna talk to her, but.... -.-" Well...

Ughh. You'll all get the point someday.

Okay...
Seeya. Heading to the Airport. :D

I'm so AGAINST child abuse. )':

2010-05-28T17:39:00.002+08:00

Oh my god. I found a song about Child abuse, called 'Alyssa Lies' by Jason Michael Caroll. It was so sad and took me real deep inside. It was saddening. Very saddening! I cried my eyes out, just by hearing the song. And what more to say by watching the video. It was so very saddening! Arghhh!

Then I found another song about child abuse, called 'Concrete Angel' by Maria something. Again, I cried. T^T

What's happening to the world? Making children and then abusing them!? What's happening!? T^T I may sound over now, but I don't care. Physically abusing a child? Even if it is not physically, then psychologically abuse a child? What's the matter with all these abusers!? Have they no mind?? What wrong did children did to you??

I'm so against child abuse!!!

------------------------------------

Okayyyy. Enough with that. huhuhu. My eyes are still crying about that. -.-" Don't get me wrong or anything, but I am highly sensitive about sad sad stuff.

And btw! It's the holidays! :) 3 weeks. Yeahhhh! :D This is so cool.
But... I have nothing to do.
And oooohhhhh. Kakak will be coming home for 10 days. She's coming home this Sunday. :D Yayyyyy. :)

Okayyy. I'll update later -- that is if I have something to update about , or yet again, when I feel like it -- cause I'm going to watch more YOUTUBE. :D

SAY NO TO CHILD ABUSE! >=( I'll kill you if you abuse a child! Fuck you abusers!

):

2010-05-25T21:27:00.000+08:00

This keeps happening. I'm tired of it. When will all this end?

Me birthday ~ Yayyyy.

2010-05-23T09:54:00.002+08:00

It's my birthday, but I really mean it when I say I don't feel like celebrating it. Something's missing. I miss Hazi right now. She's usually the one who wishes me first, and that makes me happy. ): I miss Rifqi too. Hmmm. I miss Amirul too. Zul too. Why must all my best friends be far far away? And my boyfriend move too? =.=" But at least there's still Dayang and Zaf around. And Yasmin too. That makes me happy. I guess they're the reason why I can keep on smiling. :)

Haha. You hear that Hazi? I miss ya like a whole motherfucking lot. -.-" Seriously. HAHA. Lak kita krek2 gk k??? hahahaha.

Anyway, mom's currently in Johor. -.-" So I'm left home with DAD and my LIL SIS. -.-" Kakak will be coming home on 30th May. :) Abang's not coming home though since I guess he has Kursus at that time? I don't know. -.-" Heh. -.-" And now I'm at home, sitting in front of the comp, while my lil sis is munching breakfast, in front of the TV, and dad's upstairs sleeping. I haven't even showered yet, but I don't care! HAHAHA! -.-"

There's still exams going on, and I'm not liking exams one bit. -.-" Especially when I knew that our Biology paper was terrible. Shitty man! =.=" I wonder how's our Add math results. :/ And I still don't understand Physics. D: I can only understand Chemistry. ): Biology is still a no-no. -.-" Dayyyyyuuuummmmmm... Sigh. -.-" And I think I did terrible for my English and Malay paper. :/ Hishh.

And I wanna learn some new songs on the keyboard (Since I don't have a real piano at home D: Buy me a piano! D: ). Currently practising 21 Guns on the keyboard, left the bridge and the ending part to be mastered. :/ Although I must say, my left hand part is very simple, since I can't do hard LH part. D: But I don't regret in quitting the piano class. Haha. I can learn easily by YouTube more than I learn from KPSU. -.-"

Okay. The list of songs I can play is :
1) Cancer (Piano solo)
2) River Flows In You
3) Disechanted
4) Mad World
5) Innocence (Piano solo & singing part)
6) Pan's Labyrinth Hum
7) 21 Guns (Currently improvising the left hand, I guess. That is, if I can do it. -.-")
8) Currently wanting to learn Hey There Delilah by recommended by Zul.

Hahaha. I am such a poor keyboard player. ):
And hey, you know what? I am in love with guitars, but I can't play guitar. Haha. I wish I can play guitars as well as I play keyboards. hahaha. Okay. Why am I talking about guitars?

Anyway. I have my reasons to smile today, although I know for sure today will be shitty. I have my best friends with me, my friends all around me. And Mirul is just the sweetest thing ever. Thanks for the wish guys. I love you all. And Zaf, Dayang and Amirul. We're BFF forever. :)

Okay. Gonna play some games in Facebook then gonna take a shower and eat breakfast. Haha. See ya.

PS : I wanna play guitar so bad. ): But I don't know how. -.-" And besides, my damn cheap ugleh guitar is out of tune, and I'm lazy to tune it. :D

My birthday tomorrow~

2010-05-22T22:24:00.002+08:00

It's my birthday tomorrow, and I don't like it one bit. I don't know. I just don't feel like celebrating or anything. I just want to be alone. Fucking serious about that.

Exams are so fuckeddddd. Madam Lau scolded us today, for having terrible results for our Biology paper 2. The highest marks is 20/100. Imagine that. The lowest is 5/100. Omg. We were shocked. -.-" But... Seriously, Biology paper is damn fucking hard! Seriously. Sigh. Yesterday was add math paper. -.-" When Cikgu EJ came to check on us, she laughed. -.-" What the. I admit it though, the paper was fucking hard. -.-" 25 questions only, but still, I can't answer all. D: I'm so dead. But somehow, I just don't want to give a damn. I'm tired of caring. :/ Tired. Really really tired.

Maths paper today was terrible too. This is the first time maths is hard. -.-" Wait. That came out wrong. Hishh. You get the point.

Argh. I'm so not in the mood. I lost my appetite. I feel useless again. I feel all those miserable motherfucking pain in me again. No matter how much I want to cry, my tears can't flow anymore. I don't know how to explain about all the things that's currently bothering me. ):

Argh. Dayyummmmmmm..... Oh well. Gonna watch YouTube. Gonna watch some sad sad depressing videos, and then I'm off to bed. ): FML.

Transition lenses.

2010-05-20T19:51:00.002+08:00

haha. Okay. I have a new pair of specs. And well, it's a transition lenses pair. -.-" The lens changes colour when it hits sun light. bla bla bla. Wearing it makes me feel embarrassed. D: I can't have people staring at me! I just can't. I hate it when people stares at me. ): But... What to do. I just have to deal with it.

Currently, now is exam week. :/ Biology paper 2 wasn't good. It was terrible. And so is History paper. I'm so gonna failll!!! Sighhhh.

And I hate May. I hate April. I hate June the most. When all the past rules my mind, it rules my life. The past is coming back into my head, and now I'm living it. Sighhhh.

Oh well. I'm off to use Photoshop, and memorize my Add Math formulaes. :/ I'm making a header for this blog. ;) And yeah. Welcome back to publicity. HAHA! I don't give a fucking fuck fucking fuck fuck damn about haters stalkers or whatnot. I'll do one thing to you though. Middle finger is raised up! Yeahhhhh!!!

Is it so wrong?

2010-05-07T22:39:00.002+08:00

Is it so wrong for me to be pissed off? I guess it is wrong. My anger can hardly be controlled, and so, that's a turn off to lots of people. I'm such a failure.
I failed to be a good friend. I failed to be a good daughter. I failed to be a good student. I failed to be me. I failed everything!

The guilt that I feel, only I know the pain. Only Allah knows how unbearable the pain I feel right now. And somehow or other, I break down in tears, and sometimes am also capable in hurting myself. Is it that painful? It is. I'm losing people, ibu is also included. I'm losing grip of myself, and I don't want people to care. I want to be ignored, and be forgotten, so that maybe one day, just one day when I'm gone, and no longer exist, people will not feel the loss, and move on, happy without me. If only just that I wish.

I'm just nothing!! I don't deserve to live. I don't have a good enough reason to stay alive, but I stayed anyway. I'm losing track of my life. I lost. I lost in life. I may only be 16, but even a 16 year old girl can feel unloved, not only those old people. Every single day I smile to hide that pain, this pain. THIS killing pain.

I feel guilt in everything I do. The past memories are haunting me, bringing me more guilt and shame. I feel no happiness in everything, eventhough there are lots of things to be happy about. No one knows, and no one will ever know. The only reason I'm smiling and acting natural is just because I can do that. And that's the only thing I'm capable in doing. I learnt to pretend. And my acting skills are really good, very very. There may be some who knows the truth, but I can deceive them with looks.

I'm a failure.
I'll never achieve anything. And that I know. The world is better off without me. T_T

Goodnight forever. I may and may not wake up from sleep. Call me emo, call me depressed. Call me sad sap, I don't care. No matter how much I try, no one can really truly understands what I feel, no matter how hard I try to tell them, no matter how hard I try to make them feel it. They can't. Cause this feeling, only I know, and only Allah understands. :'(

There's a quote.

2010-05-06T22:03:00.002+08:00

If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
-Marilyn Monroe-

I like that quote. My brother too, likes it. -.-"

Anyway.....!!
Today... There was.. A competition... Held at my school...
-.-" I forgot the name of it, but it was a Lagu Puisi competition, where 5 schools, including mine, compete with each other to hold the title as the WINNER, in which, MY SCHOOL GOT! HAHA!
But I must say, SMK Demak Baru's performance was awesome too. We never ever must judge a book by its cover, and boy, I learnt that today. That guy who sang was awesome. Haha!
Sekolah Seni's performance,too, was great. I envy their voices, and their guitar playing. -.-" I have no idea why.

Anyway...
Today was a great but terrible day. How is that so? I can't explain how it is.
The only thing I can do is to just smile and act natural. AND THAT'S MY TALENT!! Bhahahah! -.-" Guess life will always be bitter for me, and it ain't longer bittersweet, cause all sweetness went away.
I know that just sounds pathetic, but seriously, that's what I feel about life right now. And my eyes hurt from crying. And I almost slit my wrist just now, cause the pain I feel is just unbearable.

Sigh... I'm pathetic. :/

First Term exam is just around the corner, and I still haven't studied -- ESPECIALLY PHYSICS AND HISTORY! =.=" And oh yeah. My text books was taken, cause.... =.=" I put them in my desk, and now I have to pay a fine. One book costs 50 cents. And I have 11 books that had been took yesterday. -.-" Next Wednesday will be the day that our text books will be given back. -.-" Damn it. How the hell am I gonna do my homeworks now? :/ Hish!

And now, I wanna go to bed. I'm feeling useless now. )':

Goodbye cruel world. I'll die alone and will forever be alone.

Update!

2010-05-03T19:24:00.003+08:00

Haishh. I've been pretty busy lately. Sighhhh. And a lil bit stressed out. :/
Too many things to do. I wonder if Ckg Zam really wanted me to do that banner thingy. I'm so not good in designs. Sighhh. So... To be on the safe side, I better just do it... =.=" It's a good thing he said he gave me a week to finish it, if not?? Then I'll be dead!

And oohhh. I have Photoshop CS4 now! :D YAY! It's a bit tricky to use, since I got used to CS2, but I'll master it sooner or later. :D
And guess what? I still haven't finished that minit mesyuarat thingy for Briged Bestari. I only have to fill in the names of those who were present and then I'm done. :D But.... Anis gave me another work to do -- LATER that is. I have to do a REPORT on all the task that all Briged Bestari's members are doing later on for Pertandingan Sajak or whatsoever it was. =.=" I'm not good in doing a REPORT! In fact, I don't even know the damn motherfucking format!!!!

Damn. ): It's a good thing we have no CCA this week. Phew! And y'know what? I'm scared to face 'ibu', and I don't even know why. I had been scared about lotsa things lately. Sighhh. Too many anxiety. And all those are keeping me awake at night. :/

anddddddddddddd!! To tell you ALL the truth, the past decision, in which I had made in 2008, is once again in my minddd. eeeeeeee. why am I telling you all, all this!? Fuck. :(

And life's screwed -- like always. :/

am gonna off

2010-04-24T21:10:00.002+08:00

I needa focus on lotsa things, and the internet is making things difficult.
I'm going off from internet world, and start focusing on my studies, and LIFE. I've been putting off a lot lately, and that ain't good. SERIOUSLY, ain't that good.
Yikesss. And with this Briged Bestari thingy going on too, I'm going to be VERY VERY BUSY! ):

I'm stressed out!! LITERALLY!
Sighhhhh. ):

Oooohhh. Btw, my class went to MSAM today. MSAM wasn't that great, but hanging out with my classmates was great! :) Especially with Beb and Yas. Haha. It was somehow funny though.

The weird thing about today was during the assembly today. Me and Beb laughed when singing the national anthem. I know it's wrong and all, but we really don't know why the hell were we laughing! HAHA! It was funny.

Hehh. Am gonna upload all the pics in fb after this, and then I'm going to go offline.

And ohhh. I need a new photoshop. :/ Yikkessss. And I'm not even that good in photoshop yet. ): I need to learn more. Ughh. And my CS2 is not good enough. ): okayyy thenn..

CYA! :D Needa go off, and have my dinner, and then go to bed. I'm exhausted. ):

Hehhh.

2010-04-21T21:14:00.002+08:00

Hmmm. I guess I've been posting stupid emo posts again. But I'm lazy to make it as a draft now, so a post shall it stay. =.="

I really needa study a lil bit harder now. Especially Physics. BUT SOMEHOW!!! I dislike Physics. -.-" I can't understand one fuck about it. :/ Ughh. I only understand chapter 1. HAHA! See???? HAHAHAHAHA!!!
I understand Biology more than I understand Physics. :/
I suck in Chemistry too. HAHA! I suck in lotsa things.

My English sucks too actually. :/ I can type all this, but when it comes to WRITING... :/ =.="

Ishhkkk.. And I'm so annoyed about everything now. T^T

Stressed out with all this. =.=" Going outta my minddddd.

HAHA! Ok.. Seeyaaa.
I wanna play FarmVille. AHHAHAHA! I got bored, and somehow, renovating my farm really makes me feel happier. HAHAHAHA! BYEE!!

GAHHH!

2010-04-20T18:55:00.002+08:00

WHAT THE FUCK!
I'M COMPLETELY MADDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND WHO WOULDN'T BE MAD!?

I'm tired of all this! I'm tired of them screaming in my ears, doing all that they are doing now! I'm tired of all this!
Sometimes I just wish I had never exist in their life!! And I guess, THAT WOULD PROBABLY MAKE EVERYTHING SO MUCH BETTER!!!
I can't be what they wanted me to be, had always wanted to be what they wanted me to be! And now everything is falling apart! They're the cause of me, shedding tears every single day! And they never even know about that! Maybe they do, maybe they don't! But I really don't give a fuck anymore!

I want to be free from all this torture! I really really do! Even if I have to live someplace else, or to be alone, I just don't care! I rather be alone, than to live this kind of fucked up life! I'm tired of pretending to be happy for the sake of everyone else. I'm tired of everything!

Don't you get it!? I even sometime wish that I could just die, and then everyone will be happier! THERE! I've said it! I'm going outta my mind! And my eyes hurt from crying too much! I've been crying an ocean of tears ever since 2008! Don't you know that!? I'm tired of crying. No matter how much I want to hold my tears, it ended up flowing! Maybe not in front of people though. GAH!

JUST FUCKING KILL ME THEN! That would make things a lot easier for you!!!!!! FUCK MY LIFE SO VERY FUCKING MUCH!

ULBS!!!

2010-04-20T16:00:00.002+08:00

GAH! I did my ULBS this week. Both of my ULBS. Malay and English.
AND YOU WANNA KNOW SOMETHING!?

I DID TERRIBLE FOR BOTH! UGHH! Screw for being so nervous! Did my English ULBS yesterday, and boy, it took a very long time to do it. I was VERY nervous, and I'm not even sure why. It was supposed to be me and miss Zarina only, but I have no idea why the hell was I so very very nervous. :/

My Malay ULBS was today, and that too, was terrible! I prepared my script during the wee hours before my turn! :O Guess what I got? A friggin' 29 over 40. It's still good, but I could have done better, I really could have. Screw for stage fright. Screw for being too nervous. SCREW ME for not being a people person. :/

Gahhhh! Did the same topic for both ULBS ; How to create happiness & Cara-cara untuk mencapai kegembiraan dalam hidup. -.-" The script is in English, and as I didn't have the time to translate that script to Malay at home, I ended up doing it during BM period. Ughhh. That is so LAST MINUTE! Damn ittttttt..
I REALLY HATE ORAL ASSESSMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

): And now, I'm terribly annoyed about lotsa thingssssss. DAMN IT! I really wish I don't have to go to school tomorrow. Gahhh. FML.

My old games.

2010-04-16T16:16:00.002+08:00

Haha! look. I found LP's video. I miss NewRaja. :( And am watching DragonRaja's videos. I miss playing DR, NR the most though. D: I wanna play DR-INT, but I got fed-up waiting for all the downloads, I ended up giving up on downloading them. :(

And about the video above, LP lost. I saw JuNyP in it too. And also peckius. :D Yin won in the end. I wished gerok won that match, since gerok is such a great wiz. :D I love this game so much. I really miss it. :(

This is a match between gerok and 13mui. 13mui is the top player of the game, but I guess she forgot to use the right spells to duel. :/ both are great! :D Hahaha. I wanna play this again! But NewRaja was shut down due to its lack of players. :/ I might as well wait for my bro to DL DR-INT. T_T I wanna be in Vyseus again with LP. To be in Crimson Knights again!

I miss the international server. The orginal. It was FILLED with people! Huhh. Pity it was closed. :( Oh well.

HAHA! okok. I'm off to watch more videos. :) Toodles~

Hurm.

2010-04-16T13:06:00.002+08:00

Wanna know something? I miss playing online games. :/
Haha! I'm gonna type type typeeeeeeee about my experience in playing online games. -.-" I'm bored and am missing all my online games very much. :(

Ragnarok Online is the first online game that I had ever played. I was only primary 3 when I played it. Haha. I miss RO. My first character was a priest. And at that time, it was hard to lv up since, the original server has a low exp rate. :/ But I managed to get till lv 50. :D A lv 50 acolyte with a job lv 25. -.-" Still not enough to be a priest yet. But hey, it's still good right? During that time, it was hard to lv, but now? It's easy to be a priest, and the new servers now has a third job. Goshh.

Then, when RO began to P2P, I moved to Gate To Heaven and Knights Online. :D I chose to be an archer for GTH, but I still chose to be a mage in KO. Hahaha! The easiest chars to lv up le. =.=" I miss playing GTH!! But GTH needs to P2P. :/ I'm not that sure about KO, but I quit playing it. It got boring. -.-"

Dragon Raja was next. :D I had two accounts back then. >=D One is for Yllse and the other one is for Vyseus. I love playing in Yllse more since I had lots of friends there, but in Vyseus, I only play with my bro. -.-" Haha. I still chose to be a priest, for both Yllse and Vyseus. HAHA! And to be a wiz. HAHA! I love using spells le. -.-" Don't blame me for that. :/

Then my bro asked me to play Trinity, a private server of Ragnarok. :D Ti was the best! I miss playing Ti. That's where I met Steph and also Harmin(Rest in peace Harmin. :( ). Haha. I still chose to be a priest. HAHA. I manage to be a High Priest. YAYYYY! And I also managed to have a High Wiz, an Assasin Cross and also to be a Super Novice. Yayyyy. I quit, cause I hafta. :( I really miss Ti the most.

After Ti, I played NewRaja, a private server of Dragon Raja. HAHAHAHA! I still played a priest, but I used my wiz more. How I wish I had continued playing it. My wiz was lv 89 for heaven sakes! If only I had hit lv 101, I would've been a Dual I by now. ): But NewRaja is now closed. :/ Pity.

And now I'm searching for new games to play. I wanna play DR-INT, yet another Dragon Raja server. :) LadyPhoenix asked me to play, so yeah, I'm gonna DL it and play. :) Yayyy LP! Btw, LP is my guild leader in NewRaja.

AHHAHAHAH! yeahh. I love playing games le. Don't ever blame me. Blame the games to be so addictive. :D

=.=" And really, I'm just bored. That's why I'm typing this down. Since right now, I'm downloading DR-INT into my bro's comp! >=D I'm conquering my bro's comp. >=D Yayyyy! :)

Toodles. (Am a lil bit annoyed with this download link. :/ oh well. :D )